For you

Hello there.
You are beautiful.
You are strong.
You are loved.
You are worth it.
You are valued.
You are awesome.

I could go on, but there's something else I'd like to say.

"You have been called for such a time as this."

Your very existence is no mistake.
Approximately, 151, 600 people die each day.
That's quite a sum.
One day, you may just be part of that statistic.
No- we will all inevitably be part of that statistic.

I have a purpose, and so do you.
There's a reason as to why we are both alive today, that we are both alive now.
Not sure about you, but that sends chills down my spine.

With that reminder, I hope to live everyday appreciating those I love.
Love anyone and everyone unconditionally.
Love God with all my heart, soul, strength and mind.

It sounds short, love God - love people, but heck, it's hard.
I find myself tangled in self almost every single second.
But I will remind myself that I have a calling, and I am called for such a time as this.

The one kind of lonely

Have you ever felt so alone?

You know, the loneliness of just being by yourself.

Being in the midst of people, but yet feeling like you're an individual.

Even worse, being with friends, but feeling lonely.

Or crazier, being alone but feeling hopelessly lonely.

Like how alone can you feel right?

Apparently, many levels of loneliness.

The loneliness I have now is one that shuts down in the midst of people.

It's shutting people out and shutting myself in.

It's destructive, really.

Because no man is called to live life alone.

But I really just want to be alone.

I want to be with people, but for now, I want to be alone.

I don't want to speak; maybe because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I'm really who they say I am.

I'm afraid that that's all that I really am.

I'm afraid that when I get the courage to share, I will only be let down.

Because what if no one understands?

what if no one says the right things?

what if I don't get better?

what if I'm disappointed?

So for now, just for a little while,

I'll suppress my need of people, my desire to share and my knowing of what to do.

-

I'm really worn.
It's not because I'm sick, or that it's almost 2am now..
I'm just exhausted.
I'm just emotionally drained.

University hasn't even began.
I haven't even applied for committee.
I haven't even started my responsibilities.
But I already feel like giving up.

I feel like taking back my 'yes'.
I feel like skipping the first week.
I feel like stepping down from my position.
I feel like leaving altogether.

No one offended me.
I just feel like I lost my passion.
I feel like I lost my heart.
I feel like I'm defeated, without a particular reason..

But I'm just feeling.
I'm just a human.
It's just feelings.

I shouldn't rely on feelings, right?

But I feel like giving up.
I feel like shutting down.
I feel like shutting out.
I feel-

It's hard to breathe when I'm this sick.
But it's hard to breathe when I'm this sick of now anyway.

I'm on a break.
But I just want a break.
I'm just breaking..

What do I do?

Transition

Transition

1.

the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.

Change is inevitable.

You see it everyday; as the sun sets, and as it rises.

You see it in the expression of a smile, or a laughter, or even a tear.

You see it in a loved one, young and old.

You see change in the good and even the bad.

Some changes, at the present, you may never see.

Like a feeling, a thought or even the very change of one's wellbeing..

I'm currently in a transition.

Early this week, I had a six hour transit in Melbourne.

(and that was only approaching our third flight, the third airport).

Deprived of sleep, blood-shot eyes and the chills that run through my feet;

I'm now left waking up past noon, and having irregular sleeping patterns.

Put that aside, I'm still in a transition.

A year ago, some time around this time, I broke down.

I'm in a transition.

I'm not where I left, but I'm not at my destination either.

I don't feel like I belong here, but I don't belong there either.

This isn't home, and that isn't home.

And it's complicated & difficult.

My emotions are in a transition.

I've let go, but I'm not where 'moving on' seems to be.

I'm not okay, but I'm not 'okay' either.

I'm not alone, but I feel lonely.

I feel like speaking, but the only voice spoken comes from my head.

depression? no.

I've never reached that point.

Maybe even when I have, I believe I'm not.

Not because depression is a disease or something to be disgusted of.

I just don't believe I've hit my rock bottom.

I don't think I'll ever hit rock bottom.

I'm just transiting.

When I was a child

[ child = 0-6 years of age ]

When I was a child, I had two young parents and an elder sister.
I was surrounded by my loving grandparents and many relatives.
I also had a community of family friends daily and was part of a family that was active in church.

When I was a child, I had an incredibly huge head.
(I still have a large head, but I had an incredibly massive one then).
I looked like a little boy, and sometimes dressed like one too.
I had two small teeth that peeked through my constant grin, and was rather adorable.

When I was a child, I was really active, friendly and talkative.
I loved strangers, and mingling was a born talent of mine.
I liked singing, dancing, running and playing;

When I was a child, people took many photos of me.
I had an awkward smile, especially when I had lipstick on (during events/performances).

When I was a child, I had two things that were inseparable from me:
a) my toy doll named David, given to me by Mum for my birthday
b) my mini bolster which I called po-chim (It wasn't a name, probably a term for it in chinese?)

When I was a child, I loved my grandmother and had a soft spot especially for my mother.
I liked to eat cream fruit cakes with chocolate sprinkles and toys on them.
And I shared a room with my sister.

When I was a child, I was a pretend-spy part time.
I was also a mother-in-training and imaginative scientist.
I watched Barney & Friends, Winnie the Pooh and Mary Kate & Ashley a lot.

When I was a child, I was cute.
I was rather charismatic and had charm, but wasn't pretty like my sisters.
Despite that, I earned a special place in the heart of my grandparents; probably for my good nature and spirited personality.

My step-grandfather adored me, and took me on dates to eat KFC and rides on theme park donkeys.
He told my grandmother 'When she grows up, she will be really beautiful'.

When I was a child,
I was fearless, brave and willing.
I wasn't scared of bugs, or animals, or people.
Once, I killed a kutu - something like a bed bug.
I didn't care about the sun, wind or anything in between.
Oh! but when I was a child, I developed a fear of being stuck in toilets.

When I was a child, I had two best friends: Jeremiah and Aida.
They were my best friends from school.
They were quiet, pleasant and made great company.
Jeremiah liked Japanese food like me. He was the first boy I held hands with.
Aida had a rat tail (hairstyle). She had an elder sister too.

When I was a child, my biggest crush was a boy named Caleb.
He had really dark eyes and long black eyelashes.
I thought he liked me too.
He always came up to me, even though we were in different classes.

When I was a child, I didn't like a girl named Nicole.
She played a lead role in our school's show, and had glitter all over her pretty hair.
She wasn't nice, and the only thing we had in common was the same kindergarten crush.

When I was a child, I had several firsts;
I took steps that eventually built events and actions to come.
Though many solid memories are a blur,
many of them played a huge part contributing to the early stages of my life.

those cream cakes with chocolate sprinkles

ft my two grandmothers at the back

me being awks cause I had lipstick on

the difference between my sisters and I

my beloved pochim

Shatters

The world is in fragments.
Broken pieces scattered, souls lost.

Death is inevitable, we all know.
It is time that toys with us like a fool.

play.
Time runs ahead, accelerating, speeding,
far out of our reach - we're lost.

Lost in the moment.
Lost in the items we create with our hands.
Lost in our own image.
Lost in ourselves.
We're all just lost.

pause.
Ineffective.
What we long to freeze for our own benefit has a limit.
It's all temporary.
Fame, fortune, brands, labels, systems, power..
they can only last so long.

forward.
The tragedy hits unexpectedly.
The earth turns against us, humanity is distorted;
the cycle of destroying and being destroyed is relentless.

rewind.
The mourning begins.
The sympathy, consolation and kindness becomes apparent.
The memories remembered, the people appreciated.

-

What's terrifying about death isn't dying in itself,
it's not knowing when death is approaching - for loved ones or even yourself.

It's sudden, death confronts often unprepared.

Perhaps that makes letting go harder.
Because you would've used time for the better,
rather than letting it fool us.

It's a scary thought.
To think that you're saving for your future, only to know your future isn't worth 'saving' for.
If death were to approach, would the way you run your life be any different?

"Of course" - you may think,
then why do we hold tight the qualifications, connections, labels, titles, power, and wealth?
Because death is approaching and will approach.

It's just a matter of time.

Remember

My heart breaks, or to be exact - continues to break.
Memories flash my mind when I'm sober, takes over me when I slumber;
My heart aches, at a memory long gone, and the feeling sinks in, I feel so alone.

The feeling of loneliness sweeps by, visits me like the wave crashing the shore,
a wave crashing over me.
I drown, in a pool so deep;

Darkness corners me, and slowly it strangles the life out of me.
The life in me, fading ombre against the darkness..

I catch a breath, I gasp for air, for love.
The ones I love failed me.
But like me, they're faulty.
They - we, were meant to fail.
Humans alone, we will fail.

The darkness closes in, closing in;
I search for what's convenient:
A temporary escape of endorphins,
Sustenance to dance on my tongue that will fill me,
Entertainment for a distraction.

My heart weighs heavy,
My mind suffocating with concerns,
My soul dejected,
My spirit dry..

I turn to you,
I cry in silence,
I place my hope in you,
I trust in your words,
I cast my cares on you,
I remember..

I remember the sea (of life) calm;
Weren't you the one who rebuked for its silence?
I remember the night(s) where I was brokenhearted;
Weren't you the one who was by my side?
I remember when my worth was hurt;
Weren't you the one who restored me?
I remember when I lacked;
Weren't you the one who gave me willingly, much more than I could ask or imagine?

You were.
I remembered.
You were.
I remembered.

You were, You are, You will - always.
Your promise, your word never fails.

So, this is me - sinking in my life, having my light covered in darkness, having my joy sucked out of me.. I choose to remember you, I choose to believe in you. You will come through for me, again and again.

I will not fear, I will not worry, I will not cry, for you have it all under control.

I will rejoice, I will hope, I will trust, I will love - for you have given me the will to do so.

My good father

Happy Father's Day 2015

This is for the one that captivates my breath, that makes me come alive. This is to the one who moulds me as a person from the beginning of time 'till my very present. 

This is for you, the one my soul loves. This is for you, my father.

I'm not a very good daughter, heck, I'm not a very good person.

I try to be, but I find that I fall short.

You're human. 

They say, I tell myself. And I am. I won't let myself forget that.

So this is me being human, coming raw and undone;

a personal God, my maker, my king, my Lord..

This is for you.

I mark the events that stood out in nineteen years of my life:

My first heartbreak, the heartbreaks that continue to unfold,

me falling in love with other human beings, the sons that you love too;

my constant struggle in mending it - my heart.

My flaws, my beauty, my humdrum and everything in between.

My self-esteem, my highs and my lows.

I seem to be naming everything.

Here I am.

God, here I am.

At a steady platform. At a neutral state.

I'm here, me, your child, I'm here.

I remember the times you broke through for me.

I don't recall your face, I don't remember your voice.

Yet, I'm so sure you were there.

You were.

You were in my silences. You were in my sobs and tears and petty heartbreaks.

You were there when I didn't like who I saw in the reflection.

You were also there when I felt the loneliest, the worst.

You were there when I was unsure, when I couldn't think straight, when I was broken.

You were there when I felt my heart shattering to pieces, 

you were there when I felt useless, dull and incapable.

You were there when my friends weren't.

You were there when my closest relationships failed me.

You were there when I let myself down.

You see, I thought I could do it all.

I gave you the credit, and lost it in the title.

I was wrong, because when I left you - even just for a day,

I felt like utter crap.

I felt so depressed, as if my whole world went black, went dark, went meaningless.

I needed you.

I need you.

And I always will.

You were there when my thoughts went running wild.

You were there when I had the brightest ideas.

Remember, you were there when I was at my happiest?

You were there when I made great rapports.

You were there when all was well.

You were there.

You were there when I needed you,

when I didn't think I needed you - and then realised I did.

You were there, and you will always be there.

You will always be here, in my heart.

Here's why.

My dreams of my future excites me.

Meeting my future husband, and being in love makes me ecstatic.

And that is how you've made me; in that part of life, I remember you.

Even though I don't know how you look like,

even though I haven't met you face to face,

I feel as if my heart belongs to you.

Crazy right? Yet, it feels exactly right.

You give me a purpose in breathing, in living.

And though I forget that sometimes, I want you to know that it's you.

You're the reason I get through.

You give me hope, you give me life (literally) and I don't know what I'll be without you.

Life for a hundred years without you is meaningless,

Life even for a full day with you is priceless.

You make my heart rush, and yet I'm myself.

You enable me to love my surroundings, to see beauty, in the ordinary, in myself and in people.

I love how you love me.

Even more, I love how you love people.

I love how you love us even though we're just humans.

You know, humans that make mistakes, that hurt one another, that hurt you, that hurt ourselves.

We are practically a self-destructive specimen.

We tend to destroy everything.

Being able to destroy something may be perceived as powerful;

but no, I see it, in this aspect, as a weakness and an opportunity.

It's our weakness that we're destructive.

But that's where the best opportunity lies: you

Your strength is made perfect in our weakness.

In you, we identify our weakness, and find a cure to it.

In you, we gain strength. We gain power. We gain wisdom and everything good.

Because you're good.

You're just full of good.

You're my good good father, 

and I love you.

Father's day song: Good good father

To the girls who have never dated

Hey there,

I would like to let you know that where you are right now is a good place.

I know you have probably heard the stereotype statement, but don't want to 'grow up so fast.'

Don't want to do things that isn't at your pace right now.

You are beautiful.

You have so so much beauty within you for you to unravel and realise; you don't need a guy to tell you that. you don't need a guy to show others that you're wanted.

You are worth it.

You are worth the wait, you are worth the time.

You are worth the friendship, you are worth the pursue.

The period of time to really enjoy a pure friendship is right at your adolescence.

Find yourself, let yourself grow, take time, live in the moment.

Don't let someone steal your joy, your purity, your experience.

Experience love when you are sure, when you know you are ready, when it is right.

Love regardless.

Love without a manual, love from your heart, love others like you love yourself.

Love without fear.

Be with friends that support you and push you forward for the better.

Don't feel like you are unwanted.

You already have in you, the potential to grow to a beautiful woman inside-out.

Find a purpose in life, in everything.

Timing is important. And that time will come.

Trust in God.

Know what you want. Be a better version of yourself every single day.

There's something about your innocence that's intriguing,

your beauty that's worth unravelling, 

your heart that's worth sharing.

You are special.

You are needed.

And I want you to know that,

Hang in there, because when that day comes,

the right time - it will be his honour to meet you, to have your heart wholeheartedly.

delightful

It is now that I delight in Him.
My joy is full.
My pleasure is in you, God.

I find His love amongst the people, the congregation;
I find Him in the right, and in the wrongs I commit.
I find Him not forsaking me.

There's a sense of fulfilment in an absent sight, but a present God.
There's faith, there's depth, there's truth.
The unexplainable, incomprehensible..
but yet believable, constant and active.

I want to love my present (now).
I want to live everyday with gladness from Him.
I want to have a purpose, and carry it out.

I hope for my future.
I hope to meet my future.
My hope is in the Lord.

I can't wait to love - but at the same time, I'm choosing to wait.
I'm excited to meet the man who delights in Him, too.
I'm really thrilled to be another type of 'one'.

I will live this time - this current time;
in a way to glorify Him, to bring Him joy,
to bring love, to show love, to feel love.

Again

I procrastinated;
It seems as if time plays me like a fool.

I wonder,  when you'll no longer be who you are to me.
And I wonder, if I'd still love you.

Maybe love is selfish,  maybe my love was. Maybe that's why it is so hard to let go.

Pleasure, desire and a temporary fire.

How can something start so fast, last awhile, yet managed to build a strong, torn wall like ours?

Cold and distant, it makes no sense. But you alone can play it well.

Gone; without a farewell, but as if either of us would've said goodbye.

Come and go, the memories emerge, and that's when it all goes wild.

And I'll try to do it like you, present in thought with masked silence.

But im afraid if we ever come across, my efforts would go to waste.

How is it that you're able to wrap the pieces so dearly, yet choose to end it bitter?

Whereas I on the other hand, tried all I could to mirror what you conveyed, 

but instead, cut myself with the broken pieces remained.

I'd like to know you're far from where I am at heart, but yet hesitant to hear the rumours.

Do you try to walk ahead,
Or are you well aware of your own state?

And im stuck in neither,

enlightened or detached.

distancing

Distance is hard, they said.
There's something else harder - distancing.
That is, to withdraw.

The kind where you choose to remove yourself,
or when the other decides to detach from the attachment.

That is to say, there is an attachment, no?

I think it's for the better,
because why should I put myself in a place of vulnerability,
of an unnecessary intimacy..
a connection in which I don't see myself in,
with him, in my intentions?

Not because he's not a good person,
but because I know that some part of me can't because he won't.
That we probably wouldn't have ended together anyway.
So, what is the point of continuing something that was purely based on another kind of friendship in the beginning?

There's nothing wrong with being friends.

What's wrong is having him as a rock, a foundation;
The person who brings me a lot of joy and comfort.
So much to an extent that I subconsciously hope to speak my thoughts out to, and eventually do so.
To the point that I actually invest my hours into silences or idle activities.
'invest' - ha, but it was.

From it, I reaped a knowledge of a few attributes I realised I'd like.
I found that I too, had weaknesses I needed to deal with.
For example, I unknowingly felt unworthy of him in a shallow manner.
In that, I found a flaw in my mindset in which I will work on.

Would like be the adjective to this?
Or would feelings be the noun to my expression?

The difference is this;
like is a choice in which I choose to continue feeling and carrying out how I feel, after a situation that would cause emotions
feelings is a consequence of a situation that would cause emotions

In this case, I would say I have the symptoms of feelings.
Not easy to deal with, but possible to rid..

Second Home?

It's been two years, 7 months, 11 days since I was last here.
At that time, fresh from being 16 for about a month,
I left this home feeling loved, appreciated and expectant (to return the same).
I left with my heart whole, but a bucketful of tears and a whole jar of pictured memories.

Gone; time just flew:
sixteen I feel in love
seventeen we fell out of it
eighteen I learned about boys but haven't quite figured you
nineteen..

In 3 months and a bit.
Back, to two years, 7 months, 11 days.
A step back, so it seems, but I'm moving forward.

Time escalates ahead, but I'm looking back,
searching for where you would have been.

Gone, nowhere in sight.
A long time gone, two years ago.

Away from where we met, far away from the place I'm fond of;
Two days past, you're still here.
Here in my mind, here in my memories, here in my conversations, here in my piece.

Would've thought you were left back there,
would've thought I'd be over it by now,
would've thought you would know better,
would've thought, I would have thought.

Switch

It's a different air I breathe;
New faces surround me & my heart is steady.
The kind of air that refreshes my soul, the individuals that glow.

It's the chase all over again.
The beginning of something new is always worth the excitement..
No, it never really gets old.

A bright light at the end of the tunnel,
very much like a refined hope.
A better me, a progressing me, that's what I seem to see.

The good switches: on
Joy, one I didn't know could mend loneliness.




Old faces, same likeness.
A heavy weight chained to my heart - drags.
You would've thought I'd be understood by now.

I'm not. They don't know me like they think they should know me.

Sparks of frustration, the nervous feelings - the bad kind.
I speak my inner thoughts, dismissed.

I switch: off

Death

I'm not sure about you, but I don't really like talking about death.

Not because I fear death, nor is it the sadness or loss that comes after a death.

I just don't know what to say about death.

I never had a loved one die in my life.

Maybe I'm still young, or blessed, or it's just not the time yet.

Because I know that one day, all of us will come to pass.

The people I love will leave, the people I've known will leave, even the people I know of.

And of course, myself.

But I never really knew how it'd be like;

to experience a loved one's death.

Some say it changes people.

Someone that meant something great to me once, had a loved one pass away.

He changed after that, like a phase of depression.

What do you say to someone who had such a loss?

"My condolence?" "I'm so sorry?"

Does it do anything? Does it help? Does it mend ones broken soul?

Or Is it just a go-to phrase?

The dead don't need comfort, but yet most are held in high regard.

Yet, I think, life isn't held as precious as how the dead are.

The good things should be said when one is alive, no?

Why do people prepare a great speech about someone that will never live to hear such a speech?

Isn't it all vanity?

Why do they mourn and feel an empty hole when one passes?

Is that not vanity too?

For when the person is alive, their breath and very being is taken for granted.

Or perhaps, not cherished.

But to me, that's ignorance.

Living mundanely without acknowledging the very life of someone is indeed sad.

I'm guilty of it.

I think we all are.

So death, a loved one's death, should be one of the greatest lessons yet to learn.

I wanna be

I want to feel a "good morning sunshine!" vibe when I wake up, despite the weather outside. I want to wake up thinking of the most majestic person in this whole universe and smile at His awesomeness and glory. I want to be the kind of person who appreciates all that's given to me, even the little mundanes of life, such as school. I want optimism to be my mind-motto. I want my hope to reach the skies, and my faith to touch the bottom of the earth. I want to surpass my obstacles and be challenged.  I want to overcome. I want to trust in my God in every single thing. I want to eat with joy and laugh with no worries. I want to sleep in peace and love with no limitations.  I want to walk with no fear, and run with all of my strength. I want to give like I receive and bless like I've been blessed. I want to see the greener side, I want to heal the blues. I want to hold the hand of an orphan-child. I want to be an instrument for God, a catalyst for someone's faith. I want to see my dream to be aligned with my life purpose; to see the product of it be a seed for another's dream. I want to live before the world ends. I want to look into the eyes of a broken person. I want to cry for something other than myself. I want to fall in love with someone who loves what I love. I want to see a change in this place. I want to make the unwanted feel at home. I want to help the lost find their identity. I want to learn from my own and another's mistake; to take these lessons and teach them to those who are young at heart. I want to shake the hand of a homeless man, smile at a stranger and nurture a gentle spirit.

Mad

I wake up slightly bright,
only to have the mornings come crashing by little stupid things.
Angry, Grumpy, Pissed Off - I don't have anything more to say.

More time wasted, no efforts in it.
Physically weak, emotionally unstable and spiritually cold.
I shut myself down.

I don't need anyone's comfort, I don't want to see your sight.
My emotions; like a roller coaster on a slow speed..
I just want to be alone.

Speak to Him. Read His word.
In my head, does it sound like a duty or is it a desire?
I dismiss the thought, whatever it is.
I don't want to sing, I don't want to read, I don't want to talk.

An upside down smile plastered on my face.
Minutes, hours and time go by.
I wish it went faster.
I just want to get out, but yet, I don't want to move.

Sleep.
It's like a temporary coma, an effective shut down system.
So I put myself through it, for another hour to go pass.

I awake to an unproductive and mundane routine.
The laziest and sloppiest of them all;
Indulging in the wants of my flesh..
all the things I planned to get off.

My heart is so cold, so uncompassionate.
My words are minimum, my replies are brief.

So sensitive, I could just burst anytime now.

What do I do?
Do I talk of my emotions?

But I don't want to, I don't need to.
Not now at least, what's the damage that can be done?

My questions look silly to me.
The 'angel' in me know all the right things I can do.
'You should...' - But no, I just mute the sound.

I shrug and do what I wanna do.

Perhaps I'm mad - at little things, yes.
But maybe I'm just mad at myself.

Scarred

I'll tell you a secret,
though it's not really much to share.

But it's something I don't really speak of,
so maybe it's worth to say.

Your name is quite absent in my conversations, now.
You barely run through my mind too.

The urge of searching your name is erased.
Though every now and then, I recall your face.

I used to ask myself if this would be okay;
you know, not having closure, an answer, a reason.

I wondered if we would ever speak.
If we could ever make it to even a smile.

And how I make it up in my mind, goes a little like this:

Perhaps it'll be years down the road, when all these are sorted out.
" Give him time. " - that's what most of them would say.

Time? What can time do?
Well, some say time heals. And I would second that.

Like a wound, it'll heal over time.
But it doesn't take the memory of being hurt or scarred away.

Heartbreak is like an accident.
Sometimes it's the other person's fault - sometimes it's our own carelessness.

And like many accidents, it leaves some traumatised, fractured and scarred.
And some never heal, several don't even make it out alive.

I envision time bringing the both of us to many places, stages, phases.

But when we meet eventually; Matured, different, changed.. someday.
I don't think it'll be worth making up then.

Because time has a funny way of making things turn.
Taking something and making it into nothing, or perhaps the other way round.

I'm sure we'd be able to look at this like nothing.
But like a victim of amnesia, I'd probably look at the scars and wonder about the story behind them.

Life disguised

Her body lays there like a plain display.
My heart sank as I look back at all the other times I rejected her embrace or simply took it for granted.

I held her hands; frail and cold. She gives me a weak smile, and I try my best to return a supportive one.
But she can see right past me, and sorrow fills her eyes.
She gave me an assuring look, as if I was the one in need.

My everyday probably consists of inaccurate presumptions.
Mockery and chatter are all that goes around. They don't know me,
not even the ones who surrounds me daily.

If I had to name one thing I was great at, it would be the mask I wear, and the role I play.
I make a convincing lie.

My conversations are empty. In and out the people go, hi and bye it often seems.

I see through their motives and my walls are higher than before.

I used to be happy and free. The go-lucky-type, that was me.
I don't know what happened,  but it all faded away.
My thoughts are in a vault and I alone have the key.

A family, I may seem to have. But does it count, when love lacks?
Cold silence entwines in separate lives, cut in halves what's supposedly one.

I have charm and beauty. But it varies, it changes like how people often do.
We all have beauty, with a beast that shines through.

Money buys my happiness. Life without currency is one impossible to grow.
We all exchange our happiness for another.

I speak gibberish. In my writing are my feelings jumbled up at midnight.
Purposefully, I write with a story.
A made up exaggerated one, inspired by my thoughts and circumstances.

And I start off with a flood in my heart, and end up elsewhere.
Somewhere far far away, in a land where none of us can really truly discover.

So this life disguised, can you identify?

Unresolved

I won't lie, my mind repeats it over and over.

It's been running through, and I find you in my intentions.

It's funny how your initial purpose contradicts;
Because now I'm left hanging,  when I was just fine before.

To approach or not to, I don't really know.

A bank of words will just continue to grow.

Subconsciously,  im waiting;

For something, a direction,  a plan, a clear intention.

But im aware,  that im hanging.
Lingering for..

Nothing.
Perhaps it's better,  for now.
Right?

Cause what can we offer,
When clearly we aren't capable of giving.

And so it seems easy to divert a distraction, but as for me, both ways becomes an obstacle.

So here I am stuck in between,
Silent in the midst of my thoughts.

You've left me undone, again