The one kind of lonely

Have you ever felt so alone?

You know, the loneliness of just being by yourself.

Being in the midst of people, but yet feeling like you're an individual.

Even worse, being with friends, but feeling lonely.

Or crazier, being alone but feeling hopelessly lonely.

Like how alone can you feel right?

Apparently, many levels of loneliness.

The loneliness I have now is one that shuts down in the midst of people.

It's shutting people out and shutting myself in.

It's destructive, really.

Because no man is called to live life alone.

But I really just want to be alone.

I want to be with people, but for now, I want to be alone.

I don't want to speak; maybe because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I'm really who they say I am.

I'm afraid that that's all that I really am.

I'm afraid that when I get the courage to share, I will only be let down.

Because what if no one understands?

what if no one says the right things?

what if I don't get better?

what if I'm disappointed?

So for now, just for a little while,

I'll suppress my need of people, my desire to share and my knowing of what to do.