Sunday, June 21, 2015

My good father

Happy Father's Day 2015

This is for the one that captivates my breath, that makes me come alive. This is to the one who moulds me as a person from the beginning of time 'till my very present. 
This is for you, the one my soul loves. This is for you, my father.

I'm not a very good daughter, heck, I'm not a very good person.
I try to be, but I find that I fall short.
You're human
They say, I tell myself. And I am. I won't let myself forget that.
So this is me being human, coming raw and undone;
a personal God, my maker, my king, my Lord..
This is for you.

I mark the events that stood out in nineteen years of my life:
My first heartbreak, the heartbreaks that continue to unfold,
me falling in love with other human beings, the sons that you love too;
my constant struggle in mending it - my heart.
My flaws, my beauty, my humdrum and everything in between.
My self-esteem, my highs and my lows.
I seem to be naming everything.

Here I am.
God, here I am.
At a steady platform. At a neutral state.
I'm here, me, your child, I'm here.

I remember the times you broke through for me.
I don't recall your face, I don't remember your voice.
Yet, I'm so sure you were there.

You were.
You were in my silences. You were in my sobs and tears and petty heartbreaks.
You were there when I didn't like who I saw in the reflection.
You were also there when I felt the loneliest, the worst.
You were there when I was unsure, when I couldn't think straight, when I was broken.
You were there when I felt my heart shattering to pieces, 
you were there when I felt useless, dull and incapable.

You were there when my friends weren't.
You were there when my closest relationships failed me.
You were there when I let myself down.

You see, I thought I could do it all.
I gave you the credit, and lost it in the title.
I was wrong, because when I left you - even just for a day,
I felt like utter crap.
I felt so depressed, as if my whole world went black, went dark, went meaningless.
I needed you.
I need you.
And I always will.

You were there when my thoughts went running wild.
You were there when I had the brightest ideas.
Remember, you were there when I was at my happiest?
You were there when I made great rapports.
You were there when all was well.
You were there.

You were there when I needed you,
when I didn't think I needed you - and then realised I did.
You were there, and you will always be there.

You will always be here, in my heart.
Here's why.

My dreams of my future excites me.
Meeting my future husband, and being in love makes me ecstatic.
And that is how you've made me; in that part of life, I remember you.

Even though I don't know how you look like,
even though I haven't met you face to face,
I feel as if my heart belongs to you.
Crazy right? Yet, it feels exactly right.

You give me a purpose in breathing, in living.
And though I forget that sometimes, I want you to know that it's you.
You're the reason I get through.
You give me hope, you give me life (literally) and I don't know what I'll be without you.

Life for a hundred years without you is meaningless,
Life even for a full day with you is priceless.

You make my heart rush, and yet I'm myself.
You enable me to love my surroundings, to see beauty, in the ordinary, in myself and in people.

I love how you love me.
Even more, I love how you love people.
I love how you love us even though we're just humans.
You know, humans that make mistakes, that hurt one another, that hurt you, that hurt ourselves.
We are practically a self-destructive specimen.
We tend to destroy everything.

Being able to destroy something may be perceived as powerful;
but no, I see it, in this aspect, as a weakness and an opportunity.
It's our weakness that we're destructive.
But that's where the best opportunity lies: you
Your strength is made perfect in our weakness.

In you, we identify our weakness, and find a cure to it.
In you, we gain strength. We gain power. We gain wisdom and everything good.
Because you're good.
You're just full of good.

You're my good good father, 
and I love you.

Father's day song: Good good father

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