Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Rant: forever please

Forever, please?
Forever? Please.

It's funny how they both have the same words, but yet with different punctuation in different placements, they make different meanings.

Today I was in deep thought;
I felt a tad miserable at the fact that when you're in love, in a relationship, whatever it is, you give something. You give such a big part of yourself you can't take back.

Being so close to someone, so intimate, so in love, you give and take something. A big thing. Be it your commitment, heart, virginity, time or being.

I flashback to moments where you let that one person who you once considered so dear, see the most vulnerable part of you.

Your love, your habits, your lifestyle, your deepest secrets, your reactions, your ways, your movement, your words, your thoughts, your actions, your everything

The unknown side of you, the hidden part of you, the part of you that wasn't found, the best things about you, the worst, the ugliest, the most mysterious, the simple gestures, the parts that make you, you. 

I gave that.

I gave something that maybe wasn't mine to give. Maybe it's the wrong person. And now I can't take it back.

Does regret truly sink in from this moment on?

The reason you regret is because you exchanged the most intimate part of yourself to someone you longed for forever with, but ended up being a crappy nothing?

I feel that way sometimes.

Guarding your heart, your thoughts, your feelings, your being is never an easy task.

I fear repeating the same things. No, I'm more cautious now; but yet vulnerable. I fear hurt. I fear having someone leave me. I fear hurting someone. I fear losing.

I close my eyes to force myself to re-think things. Why does the laughter, touch and feelings bring a sense of pain, feelings and negativeness to it?

He once saw that vulnerable side.

He got to experience that one part of me I never showed; the part I never knew existed. The part that made me open up in different ways. The part that leaves me staring into a glimpse of a forever that came crashing down like a stupid piece of crap. 


Not just that.

I feel my heart break into pieces and the sadness sinking in just to see the brokenness of other relationships.

Relationships dear to me;
Relationships that I'm somehow connected with. Relationships that I once was so sure of happy endings. Relationships like perhaps a mother's new husband, or sister's soon to be fiancée, or brother's first love.

It sucks and it's heartbreaking.
I realize I don't like the feeling of being so sure, and having that sureness turn into doubts which soon become reality.

It's seeing a happy couple, one who's been together for so long, break up. Then you ask yourself why? Is there even hope now? 

You won't understand. But it's heartbreaking even though you may not directly be in it. When a heart breaks, it's not just the two people that end up with damaged hearts, people around them get a little piece of that brokenness.

It's like all the effort and time and vulnerability and comfort and everything put into something, and that something being disintegrated into disposed waste.

Sigh. I don't know.
It's like having your son's girlfriend be part of the family, to know that in the end, she becomes a distant member. That future daughter in law you once thought would be giving birth to your grandchildren; that girl that was so bright which you willingly accepted as your son's girlfriend. Everything the whole family puts into it, where does it all go?

It's like when dating someone, you date their whole family. It's like agh I don't know.

Is it worth being vulnerable? Even when you're not sure?

Like if you were to be cold towards your future daughter in law without actually being sure that she would someday be your  future daughter in law? but what if it does come true? You're gonna treat the girl like some stranger before things are fully confirmed with a ring?

Or, having to give your all into someone, like let's say this future daughter in law. You start to develop a love and vulnerability to her, caring for her like a daughter, like family, to know that someday she'll be like a distant member, probably married to some other guy, other than your son. Where does all that effort go?

You'll break apart too.
It's not just your son.
You'll feel like you lost something.

I feel that way. At times.
I'm scared to be that future daughter in law, or the son, or the parent of that son.

I'm scared to be in a relationship with someone, to be vulnerable and intimate and everything, to then someday find out that it's gonna be a distant memory to him, and he's gonna have someone else that can offer something similar or better.

I'm scared to be attached to the lifestyle, to the habits of the person. Im scared to be attached to the relationships of the person. To have them be attached to me, and have the possibility of losing them altogether.

I'm scared of being connected in a relationship to someone really close to me; like a sister or best friend. I'm scared to accept their boyfriends as family. For them to be part of my life, part of my family. And to know that someday, they'll have to walk out and feel like they used to be a Lee. That they used to know me, us.

I'm scared to see their hearts break in such a cruel process.

No comments:

Post a Comment