Monday, September 30, 2013

You heartbreaker

My thoughts run wild astray again;
The words repetitively echoing through my head. What's been said to me;

She said this, he said that; he did this, he's done that; that's her opinion, that's his. All that's been said and done is already there.

The words that didn't mean to hurt haunted me once again.
Unknowingly, innocently said.
A friend, a lover, a past;
The very being of the people I adore gives me second thoughts and mixed feelings.

The thoughts left unsaid would hurt too.
Friendship, relationships, trust.
Different stories, different relations, and yet, probably connected.

The hidden perception of hers are probably sub-conscious. It's because of the circumstance. She actually means well. Look past it, if you can.

Why don't they let go of his past?
Do this, do that. "Make sure your guard is not fully down", she said..

Vulnerable, selfish, that's all I really am.
Why do they think I'm stronger than what I may be? Why do they fall for what others see of me?

Thoughts, feelings and words;
Beauty, pain and hurt;
Yet I'm okay, through His strength, I'm made well.

"Do not trust a neighbor;
    put no confidence in a friend.
Even with the woman who lies in your embrace, guard the words of your lips."

 -Micah 7:4

"...every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood....." -genesis 8:21

My spirit and mind was slightly troubled;
I was blending my juice when all these feelings occurred.

So after, I came out to speak to my sister about it. Firstly, I'm so thankful to have her in my life. God is so good to give her the wisdom, understanding and deep spiritual knowledge to always encourage my weak or high state.

I was sharing with her about some things imprinted on my heart which troubled me. And the two verses above was what she shared with me, and I found it very encouraging.

I won't go into the details of my anxieties, but rather share with what she told me.

As beings, we're all filled with sinful nature. We hurt others, sometimes intentionally, or unknowingly.

We shouldn't put our faith, trust or hope in anyone but God. And when she spoke of it, it was a useful reminder.

To love is to be vulnerable.
 Jesus, gave his whole heart to us, and says "here, take it". 

I gave a part of my heart to each person I've come to love; just a part. And to have my heart broken, was not easy. It was painful, it requires time to heal, it leaves me vulnerable. 

But Jesus gave his whole heart.
To us, to me.
And you broke it, broke it.

Again and again, we break it.
But yet, he still tries. He always tries.
He never stops trying.
Hurt after hurt.

I'm not sure about you, but for me,
I don't like hurting again and again.
I'd probably run away from it, if I could.
But God, he doesn't.

The whole point is:
My sister told me to not put my faith, hope or trust in anyone but God. Him alone.

Many times, God is like a diary.
Because he's a supernatural God,
I take that for granted.
God, this is how I feel. This is what has been happening. This that this that. Can you come and interfere, can you abide in this? Can you help me guard my heart?

And then I leave it as that. I told my part.
Now I'm gonna go out and find someone, a human, to speak my troubles and pour my heart out too, to seek comfort from, to hear something, to find some sort of assurance..

But it's wrong. I'm wrong.
I placed my hope, faith and trust in the wrong thing.

God alone is who I should place my hope, faith and trust in. 

He shouldn't be just my diary. Yes, God appreciates that we share things with him, but many times, I'm guilty of just treating him like a diary, instead of placing my whole trust, hope, faith and heart in him.

It's hard, yes, because sometimes, God takes time to answer, to work, to show what he has for you to learn; because perseverance builds character.

So yea, I thought I'd share that with you :) my sister didn't say those exact words, but she definitely gave me a more elaborated answer. So thanks Est, if you're reading this :)

Anyways, goodnight guys! Gotta study! Shall blog soon;

p.s- sorry for the sudden change in fonts, I was typing on my phone :B