I'm a bit hesitant to sit here and rant..
because I know that for the last one hour, I've been very unproductive.
However, you have no idea how many things stacking up in my heart and mind,
awaiting for it to be published on my blog.
So here's a blog about something that's been on my mind for the past few days,
and a longing in my heart for quite awhile now.
If you've been a friend of mine ever since I migrated back about a year and 8 months back,
and have been pretty close to me throughout my return,
you'd know that I don't have many female friends here.
Now, there's always the case where there's this one girl who prefers having guy friends over girl friends,
because 1. guys apparently don't gossip
2. guys aren't as 'dramatic'
3. guys are laidback and chill
As much as my close guy friends are awesome;
and for every guy I happen to come across directly or indirectly,
that doesn't seem to be the case.
I mean in fact, most believed things about anything don't seem to apply to all.
Or even most.
Having been well-acquainted with guys as friends,
I've come to realize that guys these days seem to be more sensitive and emotional.
And if guys are apparently not dramatic, you'd be surprise how much drama goes into one group.
Majority of guys here belong to cliques, or what they titled as 'gangs'.
And the most common reason for them to fight would be because that person was being 'Linc'.
Honestly, I think the word 'Linc' itself, is a Sabahan slang.
Because my friends from the West of Malaysia,
or even my Chinese friends, don't know what it really means.
But according to my understanding, it pretty much means that
someone was being rude or in some ways, disrespectful.
However, from the few situations I've came across,
this behavior can also include a certain way you look at someone, the way you live your life, how you respond to certain things, etc. But to cut the crap,
this is one of the main reasons why people here start fights.
Well moving on, guys aren't actually my main topic for this post.
But rather, the girls here.
Back in New Zealand, I had a very close group of girl friends, consisting of around 7 of us.
And five girl best friends, which I'm still very close to until this very day.
Pretty much, I had girl friends whom I could turn to and have fun with.
However, my friendships took a different route when I returned.
When I first arrived, I found the guys here very friendly.
Pretty much they were really open, in the sense that they were easy to approach,
they were flirty, nice and many were intentional.
I knew a few girls; Probably 5 at max, when I first came back.
But being exposed to a small school, different youths and social connections,
I found that the guys were friendlier, more approachable, welcoming and relatable.
Thus, the more guys I got to know, the less girls I actually knew.
And this sparked my longing to have more female friends, despite the attractions I got.
However, there was once or twice, that girls warned me that girls here would probably be jealous of me for whatever reasons they may have. I mean jealousy does occur every now and then between girls, but there were several times that girls actually showed their jealousy by telling a guy, which eventually, got to me.
There were girls who claimed they hated me for being pretty.
Girls who hated me for thinking I would like their boyfriends and their boyfriends would like me.
Girls who hated me for thinking many guys would like me.
Girls would hate me because they think I'm bitchy.
Long story short, ever since I came back, there were several occasions of jealousy, intimidation, misjudgment and misunderstandings between some girls and I.
So I found it hard to make girl friends here.
However, I'm extremely glad that I got to encounter 2 particular girls
whom I could rely on and turn to with joy at seasons.
I'm also happy with other girl friends who were at bits and points of my life back here.
So lately, I found that an acquaintance of mine, which is a girl,
apparently hated me before and then dislikes me now.
Haha, it sounds pathetic, this whole thing.
And generally, maybe that's why girls are supposedly known to be dramatic..
But this really disappoints me. And a few of the closest people to me,
such as my guy friends, and my sister, and even my family members,
know how much I long to have good girl friends.
And don't get me wrong, not all girls hate me. And not all girls are mean.
But pretty much some girls here misunderstand and misjudge me before really knowing me, based on my appearance, or whom I'm surrounded with. And that's pretty shallow.
I remembered once, perhaps sometime about a year ago,
I lost my best friend then, which happened to be my ex boyfriend.
And because I relied on him on a daily basis, I didn't really feel lonely.
But after the break up, I felt really lonely.
And I couldn't turn to my girl best friends in NZ wholeheartedly, because they didn't know my situation fully.
And I didn't have really close girl friends here for me to turn to either.
But I became really sensitive; I remembered breaking down in front of my mum and Esther due to loneliness.
But yeah... that was then :)
I'm allgoods now.
But wow I'm even more hesitant to post this rant than I was before I started this rant.
HAHA anyways, I think my next rant topic would be somewhat related to this.