I haven't been ranting in forever. or updating on this blog like how I used to. So my apologies. But I've been really busy, since some of you may know that I migrated from NZ to Malaysia recently.
Anyways, lately, I've been talking to some people, several people about well, many things. A lot have been on my mind, and one of the things is Self Acceptance.
* NOTE: the things I share are really personal. It's based on my own experience, and I think sharing it could help people to grasp the idea of Self acceptance. Or at least hear my own experience in overcoming this. What I will be writing isn't for sympathy or to be boastful.
As some of you may know, I used to be REALLY insecure about myself. Which I have learned to overcome over the past year.
I think there's 2 kinds of Self accepting that people are yet still to struggle with, or at least in my situation, struggled and am struggling with.
1. Accepting your flaws and imperfections
2. Accepting your beauty
So accepting your flaws hm? Well, I'll tell you it's definitely not easy. In fact, most girls struggle with this. But lately, I realized that many struggle to accept their own beauty too.
Being really honest with you guys, these are all my flaws and imperfections:
my forehead, my overall skin color, any sort of hair on my body, my skin condition, my face shape, my cheeks, my nose, my eyebags, my teeth, my uneven skin color, my hands, my sweaty palms, my stomach, my thighs, my legs, and my feet.
These are all the physical things I tend to be worried, concerned and more aware of. Some are flaws that really bug me, and some are barely an annoyance.
I went through the last tough few years going through my flaws. I was bullied because of my flaws, and because I chose to see it as a flaw, I opened the door for people to attack my self esteem. When you hear the word 'bullying', your head may run through the worst things, or you may see me as a loser, someone who's weak. But most of my 'bullying' experience, was anonymous, and was through formspring. The only insulting comments made known was by 2 people I knew. One, whom was an acquaintance named Sue, and my ex called Asim. They never said it to my face, but told people whom I knew.
I don't think they knew, but their words pierced my thoughts and heart for a long time. At some stage, as the 'bullying' and anonymous comments on formspring continued to worsen, I went through depression. I tried turning to my best friends, to good friends, to myself and to God. It took a long long time, about 2 years plus, for me to get over it. So it started about 2 years plus ago, and until today, I'm still learning to fully overcome it.
I can honestly say I went through a long way to get to where I am and who I am as a person. I desperately tried to change myself for the better. It was hard, to be surrounded by really good looking best friends and everything else.
At some point, I remember myself just giving up, because I can't change who I am. I can't take away my flaws. I can't make myself look like others. That's when I started to accept my flaws.
That yes, I have a big forehead. That yes, I am tan. That yes, I do get breakouts at times. That yes, I don't have perfect skin. That yes, I have a round face. That yes, I have thin, flat hair.
I have flaws, do you?
Because as pretty as someone may be, they have flaws.
I can't have Katie's face shape, I can't have Steph's hair, I can't have Helen's body proportions, I can't have Bertha's skin, I can't have anything I don't already have.
As time went by, I worked on myself from the inside. I accepted all that I see, all that I have. I figured "That's who I am. That makes me, me! It makes me different from everyone. Why should I wish for something else for someone elses sake? I should love who I am, who God made me." and I did.
People started seeing the beauty inside of me, and I saw it too. Many would tell me I've got the best personality, that I've got such a good personality, such wonderful character and values. And I saw that these were the concealer and foundation for my flaws.
I started to love who I was again, in a different perspective and level.
God really helped me through this too, I think that this whole experience of insecurity made me stronger, and to see things in many different point of views. Whenever I was hurt, I would pray "Lord, help me to not allow others to steal my joy and peace by the things they say and do. I want to be kind and cordial, but I won't let my mood be determined by others. Amen."
Those photos up there was me in yr 7 (Twelve years old), I'm 16 now :D
I used to have this joy inside of me that I haven't felt after I grew older.
I never cared about how I looked, how I was as a person. and that affected my
happiness - I would say. But yea, that was me :)