As a teenage girl, I have insecurities. I believe all girls do. I grew up thinking I was perfect. I was someone who loved pink; I was one of those girly girls. My parents would always tell us how beautiful we were, and I grew up believing them. I was a confident person, always smiling. I remember a few things I loved- pink dresses, anything that has Barbie on it, and pretty things. I remember moving everything that wasn't pretty or pink to my sister's wardrobe. I had to have the best. I remember myself wearing dresses a lot. I don't remember having jeans or pants. In fact, dresses and skirts to me were like bras to women- a basic necessity in life. I wore them to sleep, when I work, clean, ride my bike or go out. My role models were anyone I thought were beautiful.
I remember always checking myself out whenever I saw a mirror. I loved the person staring back at me. Every time I saw myself, I thought I looked like one of my childhood idols - a Disney princess. I would do silly little things to be like one. I recall watching my all-time favorite movie, Princess & the Pauper, orginially written by Mark Twain. I would use a book and put it on my head, it means that the person has the potential to become a real princess. Or so I thought.
That was my dream, to be perfect, just like Barbie.
As an ambitious kid, surrounded by the media and pretty ladies, I was desperate to become one. I was desperate to become perfect. Pink everything - check. Act like a spoiled brat - check. Speaking about acting like a royal brat, I really was one. I was picky with my food and what surrounded me. My things had to be pink and of course, perfect. My mum had to tell me this food was expensive or good for my face, just so I would eat it. I would force myself to swallow the horrible taste of vegetables, but I would swallow it anyway, because it was good for my face. Wouldn't wanna ruin my pretty little face would I? Well, that's what I thought.
As I grew up and made new friends, those things changed. Shorts became one of the essentials to my wardrobe, and slowly followed by jeans. Other things changed, such as eating almost anything that pleased my eyes, but one thing I still had in myself - confidence. That didn't change much. I still loved myself, obsessed almost. I never gave up on skirts, but princessy dresses had to go. My wardrobe became colorful over the years, thank God.
As I reached the age of thirteen, other things started to change. Little pimples were appearing on my used-to-be soft and unblemished face and my body was growing into this thing. Then 14 came along and that's when I started to feel insecure. High-school was a place known for bullying, drama and all those things that we all were warned about before entering junior college. Things go around, and I came to accept the fact that people won't always like me. Rumors about my appearance flooded around a few social groups of ignorant, catty people. The famous quote - "What goes around, comes around" was indeed a fact. What they all said about me, I knew. From the on, I knew my flaws. I've got thin, flat, straight and fine hair which I've been trying to change, my uneven complexion and blemished skin, and last but not least, my big forehead.
That, in fact, was the only thing that broke me, the only reason why I wished I was someone else.
The gossips that were spread about me and my humongous forehead hurt me. Words can't explain entirely, but it broke me. Whenever someone told me what was said about me, it was always something about my flaw. I never realized, but each day, bits of my confidence were taken away from me. The feeling was almost unbearable. The comments of me were cruel, mean and hurtful. I went through a stage of depression that I'd stay awake 'till 2am, ranting on and on to my trusted friend about my unstable feelings and regrets. Evil thoughts even entered my head, thoughts I'd never imagine doing, thoughts I knew many teenagers were willing to do.
Months fle past and I was feeling insecure each day. In the past, I remembered how staring at my reflection in the mirror was a hobby, but when I glared at the horrible reflection now, I could see tearful eyes, and I would cry while staring at my face. I also used to change my facebook display picture occasionally, but fearful of how my forehead would look into pictures, I stopped. I continued to have 'hate comments' on Formspring. It was hurtful words that tore me and my confidence apart, but I was used to the feeling. No one could help after awhile; it was just me, fighting my own battles with myself.
Recently, I started to find myself, my real identity. I would still have haters and people who would always judge me but this one thing, kept me strong. God - Jesus Christ was the only thing that kept me strong. My father would always remind me and my sisters who we really were. He would remind us every single day that we are God's children, and that we are royalties and we're beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made by God. What my dad said, inspired me and built my confidence and faith in whom I really was.
There is this bible verse that really spoke to me. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with judgement you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - Matthew 7:1; It all makes sense to me now, because I tend to judge someone before I know them, therefore I wouldn't be surprised if they judged me likewise.
My best friend, Stephanie also asked me to watch this Youtube video on confidence. This beauty guru named Weylie, was directing the video - 'Confidence' to girls such as myself that was facing insecurities.
I now know who I really am, which is the child of God. I'm beautiful the way I am, created in God's image and I love who I am. I won't say I'm overly confident, but I can proudly say I love myself the way I am. I'm glad that God placed insecurity as one of the challenges I had to face. It made me realize who I really am and build my faith in him and myself.
I wrote this last year (2011) for an essay in English class. (I got Merit :P) We had to write about a challenge we faced. I figured that since my last post is about Self Accepting your flaws and Imperfections, this can be an introduction to the whole topic about Self Accepting. Which I will soon be writing a part 2: Self Accepting your beauty.
My essay is really personal to me. I have to admit, it's not easy to post something that points out my direct flaws, because it still does make me doubt myself. But it's all part of a journey! So yea. I just thought this post could show you a bit of how I felt like when I was going through a stage of insecurity. And, to show you something a bit more personal, I saved a text I sent to a really good friend of mine (Vibha), while I was going through this whole thing.
"Hey I know you're asleep and you probably won't reply. But once again, I need to talk to you. It's been more than four times this week, if i remember? I think I'm actually going through depression. Today I read Asim's formspring. In fact, just an hour ago. The words striked me hard. As I scrolled down, reading 2 new comments about me. One which is fake and the second one, which said something about my forehead and stuff. I could feel the tears running down my face. I'm lying in bed crying myself to sleep. The words hurt alot. If I could describe it, it was like a knife that stabbed my heart. When I read that, it was the first time I actually feel so alone. I haven't felt so alone. Names started going through my mind, searching for someone to talk to. No one would understand how I feel. I'm so hurt that I don't know what else matters. Not just words. I felt a deep rush of regret. I guess it's just payback. Sometimes I wished I never made that mistake. And I never will. If I can ever think about being in another relationship, I'll hate myself for life. My first one has already hurt me badly, not just the breakup. tbh with you, the worst part were the comments. the backstabbing, the insults. They hurt more than anything else. I'm living my fear in my mind by myself. Idk why though, but the same words attack me from the same particular person and group. One little comment could make me sink so low, and make myself think I'm that shallow. I don't know what I did to make myself deserve this. I sound pathetic. After I read it, I really think I'm done. That this is the worse thing I can feel. I wanna feel happy again Vibha, I wanna feel that I'm just a kid and nothing else matters. I was like that before I made a big mistake. I don't know who I hate more. The anonymous hater, Asim or myself."
So yea.. haha. Wow, just re-reading this brings back memories. :/ I don't hate Asim anymore, if you're wondering. haha. In fact, I got over hating him since the end of last year. In fact, he sent me a mail when I was in Singapore, saying a quick goodbye and wishing me the best. When I've already left.. -.- hahhaa. but that's okay. :) I think everyone in my life is there to teach me a lesson.. So yea. :)
Learn to face your problems, and give them to God. Because who else can handle it best if it's not God himself? If there's someone that's giving you a tough time, give it to God. God is the creator. He is almighty. Who can be against you if God is on your side? right? :3
haha, Until then!