To the guys who are single and seemingly desperate

Hey,

I know it gets lonely.
I know it sucks.
I know you know that this gets you down, but I want you to know something.

God has created you as a man filled with potential.

Potential that isn't found in women.
No, your worth isn't measured by how many girls who fall head over heels for you.
Your worth isn't measured even by one girl who thinks of you more than just a friend.

You see, as a man, you have a great purpose on earth.

What makes you a great man isn't being the biggest.
No, it isn't the man with the longest line of women.
It definitely isn't weighed by your skills, talents and achievements.

The start of your self worth, is knowing where your identity comes from.
It isn't faking confidence 'till you make it.
It isn't attaining self-assurance based on the applause or attention you receive.
It isn't the amount of experiences you got.

Your self worth begins when you look to the one who sees the value in you.

It starts when you look through His eyes, and you see what He sees;

You'll see that He sees a man in His own image.
A man that's not preferred by his height, or referred by his stature.
A man that's not valued by his medals, papers or elements.
A man that has the ability to activate what is already placed within him:
courage, responsibility, relation and conviction.

When you see what He sees, when you know what He sees..
beauty, freedom, opportunity, victory.

Stop looking for that girl to make you fulfilled.
Stop trying to fulfil a girl, that's not your job to do.

Instead, find the button to activate the great things God has installed in you,
because it's there, somewhere.

Young love

I search the room briefly,
like I always do - until I find what I was looking for:
Her.

My breathing slows down as I catch a glimpse of her face.
'Thomas!', she calls out to me as she waves. 'Here!'.
I walk steadily but my heart's pace is hurried.

"Oh, hey. You look beautiful." I said, cause it was true.
She just looks at me with her brown eyes and laughs awkwardly,
as she leans in to give me a hug.
Her floral scents catch on to me, and I pulled back.

It wasn't always like this.
Ember & I are just friends.
Though, we didn't used to be not too long ago.

She stopped speaking to me for a year, and that was after our break up.

Now we're back here;
Friends, again.

We were one of those 'young loves' that people mock.
You know, how they think that love isn't actually love unless you're old and legal.
We were that.

And then there are those that say
'If you actually loved the person, you wouldn't be able to remain as friends after.'
Maybe, for a while, that statement remained true.

But here's the unusual plot twist:

Lovers at a young age,
Strangers we were again,
and here we are,
friends.. 'till the very end?

What goes through her head,
oh, how I wish I knew.

-

*Hey guys!!

So I know I haven't posted rants or random writings in awhile!
But here's one that I made up on the spot :)
It isn't based on any story I've known, but I will write in such a way from my own 'young love' experiences HA - cause now I'm old. lel.
I'm pretty keen to see how the story unfolds... but I won't continue unless you are too!
If you are, let me know through my ask.fm and who knows, you could co-write this stereotypical but uncommon relationship with me? :D

Cheers! I've got two weeks of my last semester, so I won't be writing big posts!

x

Samples

It's like a guessing game, four girls.
Read: 1, 2, 3, 4// 4, 3, 2, 1.
(Two par' per person.)


Her face glows upon pretty words,
She shies away from people that linger in her thoughts,
She licks her lips when she's insecure,
and smells like a mixture of scents.

                         -

She ugly cries at pathetic things,
but she also cries with compassion.
She can't make up her own mind,
and she is pleasant with most things.

                         -

She goes quiet in a crowd,
of people who gets along..
She says "I'm tired",
but I know something's probably wrong.

                        -

She burps like she breathes;
She laughs & she 's steady.
Her mind is hard to change,
her will is easily shaken.

                        //

She speaks well of many,
many think well of her.
Her concerns are the little numbers,
but her confidence is present.

                        -

She only says yes, so far.
Her skills are plenty.
She skips breakfast,
she eats suppers.

                        -

She smiles like a lunatic when no one is looking,
she thinks the young and the furry detest her.
She talks fast, and is slow to listen.
She speaks of marriage but cringe at the thought of it.

                      -

She is a hopeless romantic.
It is a challenge to make her laugh.
Gifts & words are two ways to her heart;
She still likes pink things.

A burning desire

My heart throbs; almost like a heart break, but a good one.

During teenstreet,  a video was shared on Syrian kids.

As I was watching the video, I felt my heart drop, and tears welled up in my eyes.

The children from the video were adorable,  and I felt my heart yearning for them.

However,  as the night drew in, that longing faded.

Upon arrival after teenstreet, I sit at secret recipe in KLIA; reading a book I bought : ' how I fell in love.. with Africa '. It's about a Singaporean girl who went for a mission trip in 2010, and well, fell in love with south africa. Upon reading the first chapter,  I felt my heart drop, again. A deeper yearning arising within me, and so I spoke of it to my sister.

It seems a bit crazy for someone like me. Mission trips.

Not those that lasts for several days, nor a few miles away. 

No, my heart is reaching beyond borders, it's yearning for something beyond my comfort.

" Is God calling me..? "

Maybe a deep sense approached me the other day, but maybe I was too afraid.

Disgusted at my selfishness and worries, I contemplated on it.

My sister, my very wise sister gave me a talk on this; that if it is God's calling,  I should pursue it, regardless... because this life I live is for him. And deep down, I know it's beyond a test of obedience.

I convinced myself,  that perhaps all I had to do was be willing to give it all and say yes; that probably it was just a test of how much I was able to let go.

(And this (above) was written last month.)

Today, I stayed home. I'm down with cough and a slight flu. So I skipped tuition the day before, and work today too. I went to bed pretty early last night - like around 10, and slept through 'till 11am+ today. Of course, having to wake up several times last night due to my discomfort.

I spent some time reading this book, again. (I'm still not finished with it)

And every single time I read it, I feel like crying.

Marriane Hui (the author) wrote it with much honesty and realness in my opinion.

I really enjoy reading this book. I feel as if I myself am falling in love with Africa, through her experiences.

The book helped to open my eyes to my surroundings, and beyond.

There are so many things to take into consideration, and there's still so many things yet to be done.

Honestly, I don't know whether I'm called for missions. The thought of it can be really uneasy. I usually tend to see missionaries, as people who are selfless, kind-hearted, willing, loving, sacrificing and such.

Either way, I know that my purpose in life is for God. And if He decides to call me for missions, he'll lead me that way. So as for today, I gave God my life to help me love more, to help me love better.

There are so many things we can do. I mean, I find myself so blessed to be living my life. 

There's someone out there who's being abused, raped, tortured, deprived, hungry, lonely.

It's funny, because the worries I face, the worries we face are nowhere near what the unfortunate people face. And this book helps to remind me that there is more to life than this. There's more to life than me.

Easier

As days go by, it gets easier to get back up.
It gets easier to go back to moving on.
It gets easier to not think of him like that anymore.

It's funny and ironic;
Because I know that ill be left hanging and this will forever be unresolved.
Or at least,  not in the way I want it to be.

I smirk, Because when I examine myself,
I see how fragile I am.
For this, for you, even him.
Probably everything.

It shows because I delete our conversations straight after goodbyes,
even though I have it running through my mind.

And I erase these, because I don't want to find myself missing something that isn't there,
 I don't want to see myself stuck with someone who doesn't care.

The thing about flings and relationships,
 is that the attachment will always be there.
Especially if you once felt something true for the person.

And it gets frustrating, for me; because I think I've managed.
And then you say something that leaves me waiting,
or he comes back apparently for nothing.

And then it's all a test again.
Back and forth; round and around we go.

Crazy huh, how these things can really stick to a person.
Or in this case, me.

And yet I thought it's suppose to get easier
the more I've hurt and learned.
Maybe it doesn't.

Perhaps it's all difficulty level x100 too.

BMI: Kelly 3

"Stop! Please. No.. Please, stop. Don't. please...." Amy cries.

The darkness closes in. 

She shifts her body away until she's come to nowhere.

Now, the room is filled with colours from grey to black.

A piercing scream fills the room.

"James! Run!" 

And this psychopath tries to catch on. And he does.

And now suspense is building up.

Then Daniel puts his arms around me.

And I let him, but only for a few minutes.

It's been like that for about a month now.

Daniel and I.

He's been here for me ever since that day..

and I can't thank him enough.

Although I know that his feelings has always been there,

I try not to accept it altogether at once,

just because I feel like it's unfair to him.

He doesn't deserve someone like me,

someone who can't give him half of what he offers me.

He's a great guy,

And not that he's not my type, 

But it's just that after him,

I can't really imagine myself in love like that again.

And it's unfair, 

because if I could examine my heart, 

What's left is broken pieces..

And Daniel deserves a heart untouched.

When the movie ended,

Daniel sent me home.

And he held my hands;

His hands had a comfortable warmth that seemed to make mine linger.

As we arrived at the porch,

I slowly took my hands away.

"Well, um goodnight." I said,

And he just looks at me.

My hands was then reaching for the door, only to find that it was still locked.

(Okay, I know that sounded a bit creepy, but it wasn't.)

"Um Daniel.... The door?"

"Ohh, uh yea, sorry", and he unlocks it.

But I just sat there. 

And his eyes was focused on me the whole time, as if he could read me.

"Dan...."

And he kisses me,

Surprisingly softly.

And I just sat there,

Like.. Like a fish.

(Well that made a nice image in your mind hm? A fish.... Sushi!)

When he pulled back, he looked at me to find any sparks in my eyes. 

None. 

And his face was like a puzzle I'd be stuck fixing together.

"Daniel.. I.. I'm sorry."

"Why,"

"Because... Well.."

"You don't need to be sorry."

But I am.

I am because I knew how vulnerable he is, I knew how much he loves me, and yet I allowed myself to receive comfort from him, when I know the only comfort I can give is the opposite, plus silence.

That makes.. Uncomfortable silence.

And it stays like this for what seems to be forever.

Then he ruins the uncomfortable silence by saying..

"I've always loved you Kelly."

Silence.

Uncomfortable silence.

Awkward uncomfortable silence.

My eyes then built up the courage to look into his.

"Kelly?"

"Yea?"

"Will you give me a chance?"

"No."





(To be continued... maybe :P)

Moving on and letting go

What's the difference,

When everyone seems to see it as the same; the only path after heartbreak.

Moving on is like a journey with baggage.

A path that means continue, but hold on. It's like after a heartbreak, you carry this heavy luggage around with you, wherever you go.

You're continuing, you're still living life, but then, you're just moving on. Because, that's the only option right?

You're moving forward, you're heading somewhere, elsewhere, but with something still held on to.

And even though you live, even though you feel happy again, you still see that baggage hand in hand with you.

Letting go is leaving the luggage at a destination. It's halting it from clinging on, it's saying farewell, it's completely gone.

Its walking through this path called life without the baggage. It's like a continuous journey; you don't go back again.

You can only turn back to look where it's left. And with time, the further the journey, the more the baggage is minimized. And soon enough, it's gone. You look back to see it so far away, that your focus can barely grasp it.

Moving on it's like thinking you're able to live life without the person, just because of the absence and silence, you're able to continue with life. Like continue to move forward.

But it's different from letting go, because you still see the memories emerging. You still miss the person. You still have unresolved feelings. You still have all that. Just that, you're able to continue without the person. But still keeping the baggage.

Are we on the same page? No?

To know whether you've let go, is being able to leave everything.
It's not just the act of deleting memories, pictures, messages..
It's being able to have the person and feelings diminished.
Is it possible? How do you even do that?

Perhaps time will tell.
Because I can't tell whether I've let go.
I don't even know how.
Baby steps, but yet it seems like my feet are so small, that I barely moved.

Dear future me

*challenged by Aaron Heng: write a letter to yourself ten years down the road

Dear future me (ten years down the road),

Twenty seven, huh? Well that's quite a number. And just looking ten years back from me now, I was seven, migrating to KL.. Enough about me, you.

I wonder where in this world you are right now; are you living in a busy city, filled with the distractions of it's man-made beauty? Are you back in the familiar home of a beloved place your pre-adolescent years hold? Or Perhaps you're back at your own country, like how you planned many years ago? Or maybe, just maybe, a mysterious foreign place I've yet to come to know;

Is there a diamond ring wrapped securely on the ring finger of your left hand, or is it still the purity ring that symbolizes the promise which you made?

Are you happily married to your one and only, which the Lord your God has kept? Are you living out your duty to be the proverbs 31 wife?

Are you a mother, the dream you've always held dear? Or are you still waiting, with a hopeful heart and no fear?

The people that placed foot in your life, are they still walking the same journey? Or have their paths crossed to an end?

Have you grown to be stronger, a woman with an admirable character? Do your actions reflect in your identity as a servant of Christ?

Are you more beautiful at heart, have you turned out to be more mature and captivating?

All these questions in mind; probably my inquisitiveness is based upon my current values.

I hope that wherever you are, whoever you've become, whatever circumstances you're facing, you're only growing stronger and better each day.

I hope that when you look back at the last ten years or more, that you're contented with your decisions. 

I hope that you know that each step you took, every joy and pain, every blessing and deprivation contributed to who you are now as a person.

When you look at your present stage, you may seem so alone. Your journey is so unclear, probably filled with distractions, burdens and responsibilities.

But wherever you are at this very moment, whoever that is in your life, whatever circumstances you're facing, know that God put you there for a reason.

And why do you fear? why do you doubt? why are you worried? why are you complaining?

Hasn't he been faithful throughout your whole life? He was, and so much more. That, I can be so sure of :)

So darling me, my only hope and worry is that if you are going through trials, that you'll see God in it, and develop perseverance with the strength that he has given you to come out stronger for his glory. You always have. You just need the little reminder.

Remember that in your sufferings, you will produce perseverance, and perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Trust in God.

 Psalms 37:23-24

Love and hope from ten years back,

yourself.

The run

My heart seems weary, and my lungs choke up as i attempt to catch a consistent breathing rate.

My throat starts to go dry like the desert wind that sweeps by.

My chapped lips are expelling dry air accompanied with a swift sharp sting at the back of my throat.

I try to look up and keep my head high;

The luscious trees wave and the glistening sun shines brightly against the clear blue water. 

How I wish I could be drenched in the soothing coldness of the pool under the golden sun rays as the gentle wind entangles around my body..

"Run fattie run"

I stare down at my legs, gasping for air.

My heart tightens as I feel the pain.

I look up and straighten my posture.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

The separate personalities of the voices in my head emerges. 

"That's what you get for eating so much"

My feet are crying; sore, steady and striving. My arms grab on to the handles to regain myself. Run low, pick up your strength and go.

Two more minutes and you can slow down, RUN.

I hear the thumping sound of the strength of my feet as it slams on the ground; 

-

Haha hiiiiiiya :)

So this short um composition above is inspired by my running workout. I was running yesterday and while running, all these things were going through my mind; I told myself I had to blog about it, just to express the temporary pain I was in.

So actually, I don't run for long, and I'm not exactly the fastest runner. Especially compared to the guys in my gym, (which are actually older people) they run like hard out. Dripping sweat on the treadmill and calve muscles popping and all. 

I try to include more cardio in my workout. So when I do workout, i do 30mins of cardio - usually running. I run at a speed of 5 for 1 or 2mins for a start; and then I run at a speed of 8 for another three mins. And then a speed of 10 for another two mins. So actually, I alternate my speed quite frequently. I would run at a speed of 8, and change it up every few minutes to 10.

And gosh, it's tiring. I mean seriously, it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but it hurts. My lungs and feet and all. 

Haha but then after the workout, it's like allgoods. The pain numbs or fades.

So yea :)

And this was yesterday, yay stripes on a Sunday :)

Hehe I shall update soon! Sorry for not updating for awhile, been quite busy! 

Anyways, its a public holiday tomorrow, so have a good one you malaysians! I'll be spending mine studying. exams starting next week! eep! take care!

Ps- sorry this is a late post, i published it on Monday, but it failed to post, and I only knew like now. So yea, sozzz

Dear me

*inspired by: My very good friend, Kenny! He wrote this. So it's pretty much a letter to your old self, from your present self. He did two, which actually kinda complicated things for me, because they were both at different ages. So I figured I'd write to my 13 year old self, from my 17 year old self. So the letter would pretty much focus on just the year I was in, which was 2009, nothing further. And maybe next year, I'd write to my 14 year old self, from my 18 year old self. IDK. haha maybe I shall make a poll, and you guys can vote which age I should write to, cause they were all interesting years :P anyways, here we go.

Dear 13 year old me,

This is where it all begins. This is the year where things start to change. This year is that year that will form a foundation of a big part of you.

You'll meet people that will make you temporarily joyful, people you thought mattered, people that you'll see throughout your pre-adolescence years.

Friends; this is the year where you start to build who you are as a person. The people that will surround you are from different circle of friends. You'll waste your time on people you think could have benefitted you, people who you'll exchange fake laughter, gossip and hugs with. But you will also encounter people that will build you up and strengthen you as a person. The inner circle of friends you'll make will be there for you even in the next following years to come. Many of you will part your ways, so cherish the friendships and experiences you guys share.

Boys; girl, you need to control yourself. Half - no, all of the guys you think you'll like, you actually don't. Please have some standards and not fall for douchebags please. If they seem to be that great, keep them as your friend, because trust me, anything more will break you.

However, if you choose to date assholes, please don't wear jeans on your first date. Don't buy those cartoon tees from jayjays. Don't bring the powder either. Don't even kiss the guy. Don't link arms with him, because both your arms will hurt like crap i tell you. Oh and don't wait for ming's date, he's gonna make you guys late and miss like the first part of the movie.

Okay, no actually, Chelsea, please just don't date anyone when you're thirteen. I promise you, you'll thank me.

If anything you should put your heart to, it is studying. Can you please read more? Oh, and all the small maths test you think you're doing well in just because you get 98-100% in multiplication and division does not make you smart.

Join more co-corriculars and stop being a girly girl. The good stage of your puberty hasn't arrived, so use your body now when it's still tan and fit. Speaking of body, could you please start exercising?

Mark ta jie's words when she said 'if you stay at this shape and weight, you'll be good in a few years'. Girl, you do not have that high metabolism you thought you had. So please exercise when you can no matter how good food tastes.

Oh, and seriously, don't buy those tees from jay jays. You do not need to stock up on cartoon tees that you'll be ditching down the road.

Enjoy your pre-teen when you still can. The nights you got to vs Daniel and stuff on the Nintendo, treasure those moments. 

Also, take more camwhore pictures with ming, and make sure you have them saved in like multiple usbs, because you just may end up losing them. 

Don't be so attached to your bestfriend. Yes, she's awesome. But when high school comes, that's when things become real. Don't backstab, don't gossip, don't rely.

Be aware of what you post on bebo, and treasure it while you can cause it's gonna go outdated. Never make formspring. Use your spare time to work on your studies and fitness.

Love your family. I know you may cringe at this, but your sisters are gonna be the closest people to you down the road.

You. If you're not gonna go through insecurities or heartbreaks, you need to humble yourself. Stop being a bitch and re-evaluate what you actually want in life.

I know you're thirteen, you're selfish and you think you're all that, but you're not. You really aren't. And I want you to look back at this year and be proud not because of what you've achieved socially or have assholes determine your life.

Open up your eyes and be aware of people that need friends. Look into the problems such as bullying. Life isn't all about you.

When you start to realize that, you enable yourself to become the better you. And it only gets better.

These are the things i can only warn and advise you to do. Remember that you reap what you sow.

However, if you end up doing otherwise, you'll end up where I am today. :) and that isn't so bad, but it takes a whole lot.

So darling, remember that the trials you'll come to face makes you persevere. You're a beautiful person, you just need to stop being selfish and start to see and trust in the god who's always been there.

Now, I'm not gonna ruin any surprises, but I know you'll turn out just fine. Even better too.

"Seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, that all these things may be added unto you"

Love,

Your 17 year old self

obsédante

Can things really be thrown away,

as if it never really meant a thing?

Can feelings fade that quickly,

Can it really go away?

Is it possible to forget, even though time seems to make it a hazy distant memory?

Can you really stop loving someone, can it really go cold?

When you close your eyes, can you still picture me, do you still picture us?

When the same words re-appear, does it not re-kindle the same meanings?

Do your hands feel lonely, with spaces between them?

Don't your lips feel dry, with nothing left to say?

Do the same places bring you back with a purpose?

Does my name turn you cold, as if you chose to walk away?

Do you regret, to let time slip this far?

Your love for her, does it feel the same?

Does your mind play games with you, are you scared it'll happen again?

Do you see me, in your dreams or photos kept in the box somewhere?

Do you occupy yourself to make distractions cover unresolved hurt?

Do you remember me, like I remember you?

Bye

Changed

She smiles with a twinkle in her eye and a hint of warm innocence.
The joy she displays reflects a collective of mine.
When she laughs, it gives me a sense of assurance.

She never really knew, but I have always admired her big brown eyes.
Her perception influenced my insights;
and even though I tried hard to have mine aligned with hers, it seemed as if I could never keep up.

No, it wasn't only the fact that I could not keep up, but rather the fact that I could not gain access to her.

They say spring is a time of rebirth and growth; summer emanates warmth and joy. fall is a time of dying and harvesting what has been growing. And winter, a time to store and stash.

For me, the end of spring was the last memory I had of her. Her laughter ringing in my ear was probably the only genuine thing that lingered.

People claim summer to be sweet and filled with bliss. Whereas mine was sour and heartbreaking as I watched my best friend lose a part of herself each day.

It was one warm afternoon when Bella announced her strict diet which eventually brought her into self-destruction. 

When I found out about her sudden commitment, it surprised me as Bella was never one to care about her outward appearance-or so it seemed.

She reasoned that her intention was to have a healthy lifestyle, and so that became my understanding.

Bella was never fat. She wasn't stick skinny either, but I knew for one that she wasn't fat. She had just the right arms for me to lean on to cry, a waist which defined an hourglass figure that I think any girl would long for, and legs that look just fine to match her proportions. 

As a few weeks gone by, I watched her lose the 'extra' pounds and at the time, she looked great - as in the healthy kind of skinny. No, not skinny, sorry, slim.

But soon enough, that changed.

She changed.

It was summer when Bella found out her boyfriend of 7 months cheated on her three times with different girls. It was saddening at the start, but she learned to cover the hurt by binge eating.

I didn't know it at the time, because Bella said she was still on her diet. But one day, I found her in the toilets sobbing as she attempted to stuff her fingers down her throat. Her eyes were red and teary, her face slightly bloated from the force of her own strength. It was painful to watch as she was hurting from the inside out.

She swore to never do that again. But that promise was meaningless as I watched my bestfriend slowly change.

Her eyes no longer held the spark that warmed my heart. Her eyes read Dark, drained and worned out as I looked into them. Her face lost the healthy glow she used to have, now replaced with a pasty shade and a hint of dull yellow.

Her slender arms are now like bones, frail and weak. Her ribs peeked out, and her bones clung on to her stretched skin. 

She looks so small, fragile and tired.

The demons called bulimia and anorexia disintegrated parts of her which I myself could not place how.

When she looks at herself, she sees someone who looks fat, disgusting and ugly.

I can't even start on how much pain this brought to the people around her, her family.

She didn't long to be anyone else, she just hated herself. She was so bitter that she isolated herself from everyone else, including me.

The most heartbreaking part was when I last saw her in a coma. I received a call from her parents that she attempted suicide by drinking chlorine.

She was lying in bed like a peaceful angel. As I got closer, I noticed how much she didn't resemble herself from a few months back. Her face was drained, with a slight blue-ish stain. There were deep cuts from her wrist 'till her arm. 

I held her hands, and her fingers were cold and limp. Her mother was sobbing as she passed me a simple envelope.

"Bella wrote this for you."

The envelope had red stripes and my name in cursive.

' Casey,

I'm sorry if you're reading this. I know you're probably disappointed and angry with me. 

I cannot thank you enough for everything we shared together.

I'm sorry for pushing you away when I needed you.

I love you. You're my greatest friend and I thankyou for always seeing the best in me when I don't.

You never knew this, but I've always envied the way you look at the world as if it's filled with beauty. 

The world needs more people like you.

Thank you Casey,

For everything.

Love Always,

Bella.'

I looked at her,

"But I've always seen beauty from you" I cried.

Amusing

When I look into your eyes,

My empty stomach filled with butterflies.

Your hair is just so fine,

Your smile is bright they shine.

With a blink of an eye,

All the memories come flooding by.

Remember how I told you it would never last?

It's just the same as what happened in the past.

It's quite funny how I can't forget everything,

Or even strange how I still don't regret anything.

Maybe it's cause we were about to fall crazy in love with each other.

I still remember how with just each word you say,

It puts sunshine in my empty skies everyday.

You whispered 'colorful' -

Which is the beauty of I love you.

This time, I'm really tired of pretending that I'm okay. 

I don't blame you for breaking my heart,

It's also me for not playing my part.

Maybe a promise is just a childhood pinky swear,

Or you just doing someone else's dare.

Behind those smiles and small-talks may end up being lies and cruel mockery.

And back then, we never knew the laughter and fake grins could end up being a denial of our tragic ending.

-

Hahahaha. That's my 13 years old + masterpiece poetry for my first heartbreak. Amusing how I could rhyme and piece out a silly empty nothing into that. 

BMI: jake 3

She saw.

She saw me.

She saw me kissing tyla.

I've moved on. well, trying to. in the process of moving on.

She doesn't appear in my mind as much, any more.
In fact, I barely see her at all.

What can I say, my feelings are absent, my thoughts are blank.
There's no hope, no future.
nothing.

Continuation... (To Kelly part 3)

#onereasonnottodate

" It was finally here - Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.

   Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.

   But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.

   Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes. 'Is this some kind of joke?' She whispered to David. 

   'I'm.. I'm sorry, Anna,' he said, staring at the floor.

'Who are these girls, David? What is going on?' She gasped. 'They're girls from my past,' he answered sadly. 'Anna, they don't mean anything to me now... But I've given part of my heart to each of them.'

    'I thought your heart was mine,' she said. 'It is, it is,' he pleaded. 'Everything that's left is yours' a tear rolled down Anna's cheek. Then she woke up. "

# talk about wow. That's in the start of the first chapter of the book 'I kissed dating goodbye'. And it's barely even two pages and I'm convinced already.

This is exactly one of the many valid reasons not to date. In fact, I've felt this way before. Both sides; I mean it's crossed my mind. Imagine the person you're in love with now. The way he touches you, his i love yous, the way he kisses you, they've all been experienced before. As in you're not their first, who cares about first, but you're not their only. Imagine how shitty it'd be to be the last in the line, the dating line. Talk about having leftovers.

Not just that, but the other way round. Majority of the people I know, have dated or been physically involved with someone. 

And well, I tell myself I don't want to get involve with someone who has been in such a deep relationship. Like a relationship that was so physically involved, and one with strong emotions and a long commitment. Because I know for one that it sticks to the person, the remaining emotions of that relationship, the memories and all; 

Even I, who have not been in a relationship for more than half a year can be so emotionally attached to my past, that I feel like I can't love someone else the way I loved this person, yaknow? And it sucks because I can't imagine feeling the same feelings for another person, doing the same things we did, or even saying the same things.

So it's insane, what relationships can do. And I think that the next relationship I'm gonna be in, will need alot of thought, prayer and contemplating. In fact, God, please make the next person I fall in love with be my future husband. 

BMI : Kelly 2

I feel worthless. As if a big part of me has gone, was stolen, or ran away. I'm shivering and I can't stop the tears pouring from my eyes. I start to make hysterical sobbing sounds and use my palms to shut my mouth up. I'm now having trouble breathing and my body feels cold and limp.

They said he's moved on.

I was in disbelief. But it's true, because I just witnessed it. He held her like how he held me. Gently pulling her chin upwards to his lips as he kissed her in front of me. And I imagined how it felt like to be her. 

Just a short distance away, I stood there speechless and broken. "Kelly! There you.." Diana shouted, and then he looked at me. They ALL looked at me. "..are." Diana then caught on the situation,

"You're such a freaking jerk, you son of a.."

And I ran. I ran like the wind, only hearing my own footsteps. 

My heart hurts, and feels like it has dropped. I can't stop crying and everything comes flooding in.

I replayed what I just saw, and it brings back our own memories. How he smells, how he feels, how he tastes.. 

And I can't breathe from this suffocation. Everything starts spinning and going blurry. A hazy picture of the sky goes woozy and then someone catches me. I see Jake's face and he says, "everything will be okay," as he brushes his fingers across my cheeks and it feels unusual. I try to wrap my arms around him and I see his face. It's Daniel. And I pass out.

I wake up to a fade of a stinging headache and I see Diana running towards me. Daniel is right behind her and his face is as stern as when we last left off.

Continuation... (To Jake part 3)

BMI : #2 Jake

Her golden skin glimmers underneath this dim light. Her eyes, dark and seductive. Wavy brunette hair swept to one side as she tilts her head and smirks. The length ends perfectly on her ribcage. Her perfume, the smell of regret quickly stings my nose. 

Her touch, a bit too familiar; she knows how to make me happy - physically. Besides, she knows me well enough considering she was my first love. My first regretful love.

However, her expertise never fails to satisfy me. Her touch, her smell, her very own experience; they are all very different.... compared to hers.

She kisses me intently, aggressively and overpoweringly. My hands travel to everything that was once mine. And it mocks at me. Ignoring my pride and thoughts, I just went for it.

Her strong fragrant is now faint to my senses. Her touch, though familiar, very far.

And then I think of Kelly.

Ugh, this is not Kelly.

What the hell am I doing.

I pushed her off me and take a puff. Silence. She stares at me and gives me a knowing smile. "Jakey" she says playfully. I hate her voice. But I respond.

She takes a puff from my cigarette too and looks at me. Then I kiss her. Kelly drifts farther in my head and disappears temporarily.

I hold her face close to mine, like how I once held her heart. I kiss her impatiently, the way I longed for her at the start. 

But what's left is an empty touch with hearts torn apart. I once loved this person; raw, young, reckless love. We ended because of a mistake she made. A big unforgivable mistake.

Maria loved me at my youth. She introduced me to addictive amenities. She taught me how to love, and leave a trail of frail hearts like she did with mine.

Broken hearts and used purity grew as a number. No thoughts, cold feelings and a temporary satisfaction.

Then I met Kelly. My heart-mender, friend and soulmate.. But now a stranger.

Continuation.. (To Kelly part 2)

BMI : Kelly

If you were to live in my head, it will probably drive you insane. The unending thoughts, constant flashbacks and crazy self-talk. "Let it go, it's been so long." My mind regularly pleads, but my heart; my stubborn heart grasps tightly of the remaining of what is left.

The truth is, it's been four months since our break-up. Some may argue it's a short time to move on; others say otherwise. I, myself don't know where I'm at or what I should be doing.

All I know is that, I'm still in love with him. Enough to know that despite his change in feelings, mine stays the same. It has always been the same. If only he knew..

If only he knew the effect of what his love can have on me, how he brought out the best part of me. If only he could see what I see beyond this, feel anywhere close to how he made me feel, maybe then, he would know. 

He'll never know though. Because he chose to walk out on this, he chose to walk out on me.

Continuation... (To Jake part 2)

BMI : jake

Her warm fingers grazed across my cheeks gently, followed by her light strokes through my hair that sends a sort of ticklish feeling down my neck.

I can hear her heart beat; slowly in rhythm, along with the comfortable silence and soft background song.

Setting my gaze on her symmetrical face; her bright smile, small nose... And her big round eyes met with mine. She smiles nervously as I intertwined my hands with hers.

Something draws me closer, though she is already close enough to hear me breathe. I can smell her floral scent lingering in her hair or neck. Our foreheads touch and I lean closer as I closed my eyes...

I wake up to darkness. 4.05am. My vision quickly find its way through the fading black. The vivid image of her starts to fade. 

It has been months since I last saw her. I'm even surprised how my brain holds the capability of forming what I've been successfully getting rid of.

I blocked out the possibility of hope, of ever turning back. To regret, to joy, to love, to her. The what ifs don't appear. Because I see nothing.

I just lie here, staring at the grey outlines of my space and wait for it to slowly turn to the color of coal.

Continuation part 2.. (To Kelly)

A Challenge I faced: Insecurities

As a teenage girl, I have insecurities. I believe all girls do. I grew up thinking I was perfect. I was someone who loved pink; I was one of those girly girls. My parents would always tell us how beautiful we were, and I grew up believing them. I was a confident person, always smiling. I remember a few things I loved- pink dresses, anything that has Barbie on it, and pretty things. I remember moving everything that wasn't pretty or pink to my sister's wardrobe. I had to have the best. I remember myself wearing dresses a lot. I don't remember having jeans or pants. In fact, dresses and skirts to me were like bras to women- a basic necessity in life. I wore them to sleep, when I work, clean, ride my bike or go out. My role models were anyone I thought were beautiful.

I remember always checking myself out whenever I saw a mirror. I loved the person staring back at me. Every time I saw myself, I thought I looked like one of my childhood idols - a Disney princess. I would do silly little things to be like one. I recall watching my all-time favorite movie, Princess & the Pauper, orginially written by Mark Twain. I would use a book and put it on my head, it means that the person has the potential to become a real princess. Or so I thought. 

That was my dream, to be perfect, just like Barbie.

As an ambitious kid, surrounded by the media and pretty ladies, I was desperate to become one. I was desperate to become perfect. Pink everything - check. Act like a spoiled brat - check. Speaking about acting like a royal brat, I really was one. I was picky with my food and what surrounded me. My things had to be pink and of course, perfect. My mum had to tell me this food was expensive or good for my face, just so I would eat it. I would force myself to swallow the horrible taste of vegetables, but I would swallow it anyway, because it was good for my face. Wouldn't wanna ruin my pretty little face would I? Well, that's what I thought.

As I grew up and made new friends, those things changed. Shorts became one of the essentials to my wardrobe, and slowly followed by jeans. Other things changed, such as eating almost anything that pleased my eyes, but one thing I still had in myself - confidence. That didn't change much. I still loved myself, obsessed almost. I never gave up on skirts, but princessy dresses had to go. My wardrobe became colorful over the years, thank God.

As I reached the age of thirteen, other things started to change. Little pimples were appearing on my used-to-be soft and unblemished face and my body was growing into this thing. Then 14 came along and that's when I started to feel insecure. High-school was a place known for bullying, drama and all those things that we all were warned about before entering junior college. Things go around, and I came to accept the fact that people won't always like me. Rumors about my appearance flooded around a few social groups of ignorant, catty people. The famous quote - "What goes around, comes around" was indeed a fact. What they all said about me, I knew. From the on, I knew my flaws. I've got thin, flat, straight and fine hair which I've been trying to change, my uneven complexion and blemished skin, and last but not least, my big forehead.

That, in fact, was the only thing that broke me, the only reason why I wished I was someone else.

The gossips that were spread about me and my humongous forehead hurt me. Words can't explain entirely, but it broke me. Whenever someone told me what was said about me, it was always something about my flaw. I never realized, but each day, bits of my confidence were taken away from me. The feeling was almost unbearable. The comments of me were cruel, mean and hurtful. I went through a stage of depression that I'd stay awake 'till 2am, ranting on and on to my trusted friend about my unstable feelings and regrets. Evil thoughts even entered my head, thoughts I'd never imagine doing, thoughts I knew many teenagers were willing to do.

Months fle past and I was feeling insecure each day. In the past, I remembered how staring at my reflection in the mirror was a hobby, but when I glared at the horrible reflection now, I could see tearful eyes, and I would cry while staring at my face. I also used to change my facebook display picture occasionally, but fearful of how my forehead would look into pictures, I stopped. I continued to have 'hate comments' on Formspring. It was hurtful words that tore me and my confidence apart, but I was used to the feeling. No one could help after awhile; it was just me, fighting my own battles with myself.

Recently, I started to find myself, my real identity. I would still have haters and people who would always judge me but this one thing, kept me strong. God - Jesus Christ was the only thing that kept me strong. My father would always remind me and my sisters who we really were. He would remind us every single day that we are God's children, and that we are royalties and we're beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made by God. What my dad said, inspired me and built my confidence and faith in whom I really was.

There is this bible verse that really spoke to me. "Judge not, that you be not judged. For with judgement you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." - Matthew 7:1; It all makes sense to me now, because I tend to judge someone before I know them, therefore I wouldn't be surprised if they judged me likewise. 

My best friend, Stephanie also asked me to watch this Youtube video on confidence. This beauty guru named Weylie, was directing the video - 'Confidence' to girls such as myself that was facing insecurities.

I now know who I really am, which is the child of God. I'm beautiful the way I am, created in God's image and I love who I am. I won't say I'm overly confident, but I can proudly say I love myself the way I am. I'm glad that God placed insecurity as one of the challenges I had to face. It made me realize who I really am and build my faith in him and myself.

I wrote this last year (2011) for an essay in English class. (I got Merit :P) We had to write about a challenge we faced. I figured that since my last post is about Self Accepting your flaws and Imperfections, this can be an introduction to the whole topic about Self Accepting. Which I will soon be writing a part 2: Self Accepting your beauty. 

My essay is really personal to me. I have to admit, it's not easy to post something that points out my direct flaws, because it still does make me doubt myself. But it's all part of a journey! So yea. I just thought this post could show you a bit of how I felt like when I was going through a stage of insecurity. And, to show you something a bit more personal, I saved a text I sent to a really good friend of mine (Vibha), while I was going through this whole thing.

"Hey I know you're asleep and you probably won't reply. But once again, I need to talk to you. It's been more than four times this week, if i remember? I think I'm actually going through depression. Today I read Asim's formspring. In fact, just an hour ago. The words striked me hard. As I scrolled down, reading 2 new comments about me. One which is fake and the second one, which said something about my forehead and stuff. I could feel the tears running down my face. I'm lying in bed crying myself to sleep. The words hurt alot. If I could describe it, it was like a knife that stabbed my heart. When I read that, it was the first time I actually feel so alone. I haven't felt so alone. Names started going through my mind, searching for someone to talk to. No one would understand how I feel. I'm so hurt that I don't know what else matters. Not just words. I felt a deep rush of regret. I guess it's just payback. Sometimes I wished I never made that mistake. And I never will. If I can ever think about being in another relationship, I'll hate myself for life. My first one has already hurt me badly, not just the breakup. tbh with you, the worst part were the comments. the backstabbing, the insults. They hurt more than anything else. I'm living my fear in my mind by myself. Idk why though, but the same words attack me from the same particular person and group. One little comment could make me sink so low, and make myself think I'm that shallow. I don't know what I did to make myself deserve this. I sound pathetic. After I read it, I really think I'm done. That this is the worse thing I can feel. I wanna feel happy again Vibha, I wanna feel that I'm just a kid and nothing else matters. I was like that before I made a big mistake. I don't know who I hate more. The anonymous hater, Asim or myself."

So yea.. haha. Wow, just re-reading this brings back memories. :/ I don't hate Asim anymore, if you're wondering. haha. In fact, I got over hating him since the end of last year. In fact, he sent me a mail when I was in Singapore, saying a quick goodbye and wishing me the best. When I've already left.. -.- hahhaa. but that's okay. :) I think everyone in my life is there to teach me a lesson.. So yea. :)

Learn to face your problems, and give them to God. Because who else can handle it best if it's not God himself? If there's someone that's giving you a tough time, give it to God. God is the creator. He is almighty. Who can be against you if God is on your side? right? :3

haha, Until then!