Today's post will be another rant that's not on the relationship series list; I'm preparing for exams so I haven't had time to properly invest in making a video or a blogpost. I'm intending to make a video (or a blogpost) on why I'm not dating currently; my covenant and its purposes next because it'll give you guys an insight on my perspective and posture of heart regarding the following topics.
However, I will be writing in relation to relationships for today's rant. (YAY). I think all my rants (and diary writings) are very transparent; like it reveals so much of my inner self that I feel very vulnerable to my readers. But I love being vulnerable, and I actually enjoy re-reading my posts after time passes. Just the other day, I was reading my old posts from a year ago, 2 years ago and it's just really intriguing. It reminds me of how faithful God has been in my life and the growth I had during those seasons of change, heartbreak, celebration, and mundane.
I would say I'm a very fearful person. I get scared easily, I'm scared of cats, I'm terrified of heights, I dread deep waters - you know, the selective fear. I also have a fear of sexual assault, harassment, violence, abuse and being robbed. I mean you know, the normal things that are unacceptable and condemnable. There's another kind of fear, that's related to the heart issue. I think I have several of those. And today, I'm gonna share those related to relationships.
I don't know when it began, but I thought I had a fear of commitment. Like I can see myself committed to someone in the future, being married, etc, sure. But the process of saying yes to a date, saying yes to starting an official relationship is almost terrifying to me.
Maybe I'm scared because it's unknown waters. It's not something I'm able to control, predict, manipulate or analyze. A relationship involves another person, and that means I don't know that person's heart, intention, will or their next steps.
I know, it sounds silly. Chelsea? Scared of commitment? What?
I think that's why I overthink. I always overthink things. I think way ahead and try to analyse everything, it's almost driving me insane.
In my current state, if I were to analyse my heart...
I fear rejection. I fear being hurt. I fear to have my heart broken. I fear losing someone. I fear to have things not work out. I fear the unknown. I fear investing and losing. I fear being let down.
So I try to have everything planned out. I try to search my heart daily, I try to analyse his intentions. I set all these walls, boundaries and standards for myself. I try to guard my heart. I try to predict our compatibility and I try to take that step back. I try to prepare for any possible hurt and I try to have my feelings controlled.
I think some people make it look easy, some people are so laid back and nonchalant.
Sometimes, I feel like my guards are set so high because I forget that God has already set a guard up at the heart of my door. I say I trust God, I choose to trust God, but I plan my next steps and path my ways out before he even tells me where to go. I seek counsel actively and try to apply every good perspective in my situation, but I overlooked the fact that every person has a different heart, a different situation and a different calling.
You see, I fear a change of heart - because that means I'd feel rejected and so I prepare myself for something that may not even happen.
I fear to give too much - because I'm afraid I'll lose it all.
I fear the unknown and the unfamiliar - because it means I have to trust and go with the flow.
But that's the beauty of relationships, no?
You risk rejection, failure and loss, in hopes that you'll receive something valuable, the success of a relationship and a great person to do life with.
Above all, I think this season reveals my heart in depth so that God can deal with the root problem. I mean it's about time. I feel like He's saying 'Now that you've recovered from the last heartbreak, you're ready and fit enough to go into rehabilitation. Just trust in me, because I'll be by your side in this process.' And here I am, fearing to get up because I'm so used to hiding my wounds and feeling the security of being taken care of like a sick child. But a little glimmer of hope in me wants to. I do want to trust in Him, to take that step and actually follow His plans and His will for me in the next season.
So yes, I'm fearful. I'm doubtful. I will try to be careful, I will try to analyse and to guard my heart... but I will try even harder to hear His voice, to follow His lead and to drop the unnecessary walls and trust in His security. I will invest with what He's given me, I will love unconditionally and I will trust in Him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways, I will acknowledge Him, and surely, He will make my paths straight.
If losing my heart and being hurt is what I fear, I trust that even if it does happen, He's enabled us to go through that for a reason and will be our constant strength and hope.
I love the lyrics to the song Captain:
Through waters uncharted my soul will embark, I'll follow your voice straight into the dark;
and if from the course you intend I depart,
speak to the sails of my wandering heart.
Like the wind you'll guide; clear the skies before me, and I'll glide this open sea.
Like the stars, your word will align my voyage, and remind me where I've been...
and where I am going.