Monday, June 6, 2016

update: now


It has been quite awhile, huh.

Recently, I've been sleep-deprived;
not so much because I don't want to sleep,
but my slumbers have been delayed later than I hoped for.
My thoughts running through my day, week, year, life.

I decided to read my blog posts from a year ago, two years ago..
It's funny - the thought of reading my own blog.
But I was pleasantly surprised, and secretly was so proud of each entry.
They captured my little thoughts, my emotions and the season I was in.

So I figured why not, do a mid-year update on me now.

Today was one of those bad days.
You know, looking like crap, feeling like crap;
going to God for strength, joy, life.

I've been rather cranky lately, and often find myself getting weary.
A friend I admire recently shared with me a tip on life.
We have 3 buckets: a physical bucket, an emotional/mental bucket and a spiritual bucket.
To not wear out, he said, we have to make sure those buckets never run low.

I hate to admit this, but there are very few things that make me feel really really terribly crappy;
One of them is looking (or probably feeling) bad.
As in feeling utterly ugly.
In other words, fat. I look fat and I feel fat.
But it isn't just how I think I look, it's a lot of how I feel about how I look.

The second thing that drags me down is being (and feeling) unproductive.
If I waste majority of my day in bed, I guarantee, you'd find me miserable.
I just can't - as much as I love sleep, I can't stay in bed past noon.
I can't not do something productive, even if it's one thing.

I do feel worn now.
I feel empty.
I'm lost.
And (probably) stressed with finals coming in a few days.

My diet (not starving myself, as in my food intake) has been poor.
I don't get sufficient amounts of quality rest/sleep.
I ended my gym membership last week, so the deprivation is hitting me now.
My grades aren't straight A's.
I just don't feel good.


Reading what I just wrote shows me how shallow my perception of life is.
Do I think that maintaining a healthy lifestyle, accomplishing my goals, being seemingly intelligent and well-balanced is the key to make me happy?
Then my life is such a waste, no wonder I'm feeling horrible.

I realised when I place my identity, worth, and energy only on these things, it doesn't take long for me to come crashing down.

I'm not a great person. I don't have good discipline.
I can't do it on my own. I'm actually very weak.
I have struggles and many shortcomings.

These 'lows' though, aren't anything new.

In a way, they are such a big reminder that
'Hey Chelsea! You're running down the wrong path.'.
I'm running down the wrong path.

You see,
a balanced diet and an active lifestyle has perks.
But it doesn't define me and it shouldn't be my centre.
(Note to self: Why are you incorporating this into your life?)

my grades and attendance are important.
But that's not where I should put my worth.
(Note to self: What character are you working on in letting this aspect of life thrive?)


Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Training the body helps a little, but godly living helps in every way. Godly living has the promise of life now and in the world to come.
1 Timothy 4:8

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31

A little reminder for myself and you :)

When you find yourself weary, tired or feeling down, reflect on why you feel that way, why you do what you do and if necessary (which is often), change.

Times like now can be rather hectic - finals can be stressful. So when you're lacking or falling short, re-focus, reflect and respond.

Wherever you are, I hope you're at your happiest and doing well.


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