The joy she displays reflects a collective of mine.
When she laughs, it gives me a sense of assurance.
She never really knew, but I have always admired her big brown eyes.
Her perception influenced my insights;
and even though I tried hard to have mine aligned with hers, it seemed as if I could never keep up.
No, it wasn't only the fact that I could not keep up, but rather the fact that I could not gain access to her.
They say spring is a time of rebirth and growth; summer emanates warmth and joy. fall is a time of dying and harvesting what has been growing. And winter, a time to store and stash.
For me, the end of spring was the last memory I had of her. Her laughter ringing in my ear was probably the only genuine thing that lingered.
People claim summer to be sweet and filled with bliss. Whereas mine was sour and heartbreaking as I watched my best friend lose a part of herself each day.
It was one warm afternoon when Bella announced her strict diet which eventually brought her into self-destruction.
When I found out about her sudden commitment, it surprised me as Bella was never one to care about her outward appearance-or so it seemed.
She reasoned that her intention was to have a healthy lifestyle, and so that became my understanding.
Bella was never fat. She wasn't stick skinny either, but I knew for one that she wasn't fat. She had just the right arms for me to lean on to cry, a waist which defined an hourglass figure that I think any girl would long for, and legs that look just fine to match her proportions.
As a few weeks gone by, I watched her lose the 'extra' pounds and at the time, she looked great - as in the healthy kind of skinny. No, not skinny, sorry, slim.
But soon enough, that changed.
She changed.
It was summer when Bella found out her boyfriend of 7 months cheated on her three times with different girls. It was saddening at the start, but she learned to cover the hurt by binge eating.
I didn't know it at the time, because Bella said she was still on her diet. But one day, I found her in the toilets sobbing as she attempted to stuff her fingers down her throat. Her eyes were red and teary, her face slightly bloated from the force of her own strength. It was painful to watch as she was hurting from the inside out.
She swore to never do that again. But that promise was meaningless as I watched my bestfriend slowly change.
Her eyes no longer held the spark that warmed my heart. Her eyes read Dark, drained and worned out as I looked into them. Her face lost the healthy glow she used to have, now replaced with a pasty shade and a hint of dull yellow.
Her slender arms are now like bones, frail and weak. Her ribs peeked out, and her bones clung on to her stretched skin.
She looks so small, fragile and tired.
The demons called bulimia and anorexia disintegrated parts of her which I myself could not place how.
When she looks at herself, she sees someone who looks fat, disgusting and ugly.
I can't even start on how much pain this brought to the people around her, her family.
She didn't long to be anyone else, she just hated herself. She was so bitter that she isolated herself from everyone else, including me.
The most heartbreaking part was when I last saw her in a coma. I received a call from her parents that she attempted suicide by drinking chlorine.
She was lying in bed like a peaceful angel. As I got closer, I noticed how much she didn't resemble herself from a few months back. Her face was drained, with a slight blue-ish stain. There were deep cuts from her wrist 'till her arm.
I held her hands, and her fingers were cold and limp. Her mother was sobbing as she passed me a simple envelope.
"Bella wrote this for you."
The envelope had red stripes and my name in cursive.
' Casey,
I'm sorry if you're reading this. I know you're probably disappointed and angry with me.
I cannot thank you enough for everything we shared together.
I'm sorry for pushing you away when I needed you.
I love you. You're my greatest friend and I thankyou for always seeing the best in me when I don't.
You never knew this, but I've always envied the way you look at the world as if it's filled with beauty.
The world needs more people like you.
Thank you Casey,
For everything.
Love Always,
Bella.'
I looked at her,
"But I've always seen beauty from you" I cried.
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